Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXXII: Rick Sanchez’s Jon Stewart problem, the anti-Semitic batting order, and gassy vulture carbon credits

Matt Labash Columnist
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Did the Jews get CNN’s Rick Sanchez fired? – Reece J.

By now, everybody has heard that Rick Sanchez committed the unpardonable sin: he criticized Jon Stewart.

There was also, of course, the matter of his seeming anti-Semitism. I say “seeming,” because it wasn’t like he donned a Hitler moustache or recited the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. It was a little more subtle than that. Sanchez basically made it clear that he hates Jon Stewart, who himself serially ridicules Sanchez. He also indicated that Jon Stewart was part of an elitist media, and then implied that the Jews control the media. Ergo, many are concluding that Sanchez hates the Jews. But in Sanchez’s defense, I think he just hates Jon Stewart, and would’ve hated him the same if Stewart were a Lutheran. Though on second thought, that’s laughable. The Lutherans controlling the media, I mean. That could never happen. The Jews wouldn’t stand for it.

Now see, that was a Sanchez-like stereotype. And I was kidding, besides. So before CNN tries to courageously fire me to appease Jon Stewart, even though I don’t work for them, let me spank and put to bed the hoary notion that the Jews control the media. If, in fact, the Jews do control everything, as anti-Semites typically hold, wouldn’t they have more important things to do than to watch Rick Sanchez? Hell, I don’t even think CNN executives watched Rick Sanchez, which is the only way to explain how he ever got a show on their network. I mean, I’m a gentile, and I control nothing – not even this column (the Jews actually write it for me) – and I didn’t have time to watch Rick Sanchez. Except when he was tasering himself. That, I could watch all day:

And to defend Stewart against Sanchez’s preposterous allegations: Stewart doesn’t hate Sanchez because Stewart is a condescending prick who can barely mask his contempt for people who don’t think like he does (though it’s a fair criticism). Nor did he dislike Sanchez because he hails from a lower socioeconomic background and is Cuban. (Though come to think of it, while the Daily Show has been criticized for not hiring enough women, when’s the last time they hired a Cuban-American? If you’re a female Cuban-American, you might as well hang it up. Note to Daily Show: if you’re not the sexist racists Sanchez and others accuse you of being, why don’t you prove it by hiring Daisy Fuentes?) No, the reason Jon Stewart keeps abusing Rick Sanchez, is because Sanchez is a honking cheeseball. (See taser video, above.)

In the unlikely event, however, that Sanchez ever finds himself employed again, and gets into hot water for suggesting the Jews control the media, my strong advice for him is to go with the religious defense, by saying what he meant to say was that Jesus controls the whole shooting match (the media, the Federal Reserve, the entertainment industry, the works), and technically, Jesus was a Jew. Therefore, Sanchez loves the Jews, because he loves Jesus. That way, everybody’s happy. Except for Jesus. He’ll probably have to distance Himself from Sanchez, as well.

NEXT: Labash discusses Mel Gibson and gassy vulture carbon credits
How would you suggest Mel Gibson go about redeeming himself? – Hilary P.

Great question. And I’d like to help. But they have rules around here. I can only give advice to one anti-Semitic ranter per column. And I’ve already hit my quota with Sanchez. Plus, I’m currently all booked up advising anti-Semites in future columns. Next week, I have Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The week after that, Public Enemy’s Professor Griff, and the week after that, the New Black Panther Party’s Malik Zulu Shabazz. Then, I’m saving space for professional Israel-basher Noam Chomsky, who is Jewish, but who’s just sick about it. So Gibson’s going to have to cool his heels until I can get to him. In the meantime, he should date a nice Jewish girl, stay off the phone with her, and perhaps give her the starring role in his next project: Gibson’s long-anticipated remake of Yentl.

Last week, I ran over (on separate days) a chipmunk and a squirrel. Does the fact that I did so while driving a Prius in Eco mode offset the environmental damage done? Thanks. – Jason, Baltimore

That really depends, Mr. Baltimore, or Jason, if I may. First off, we should offer condolences to the families of the deceased chipmunk and squirrel. At least they can take comfort knowing that their loved ones died cleanly and greenly.

Second, if you were driving in Eco mode, you probably know that you were maximizing fuel savings in all driving conditions, that you were modifying your air conditioner’s operation, and that you reduced your fossil-fuel consumption by anywhere from 10-20 percent. So I don’t have to congratulate you. You’re a Prius driver, meaning you already congratulate yourself.

But not so fast. You neglected to say what became of the squirrel and chipmunk carcasses. Did you just leave them on the road? Or did you gather them up and compost them, or at least dispose of them in a biodegradable trash bag? If you just left them, the vultures probably got them. And if they’re gassy vultures, that means they released harmful methane emissions into the environment after eating your kill. So the next time you hit something, you might think about contacting your Prius dealer to purchase vulture-fart carbon credits. We can’t save all the chipmunks of today. But we can save the environment for the chipmunks of tomorrow.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.