Dear Kanye West

John Schlimm Contributor
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Dear Kanye West,

I hope you know you’re bringing down the curve for celebrity fame whores everywhere to a whole new low!

First, you get our hopes up by bursting onto the scene with an amazing talent the likes of which we have rarely witnessed in music. That’s when we realized you’re a genius!

But then, you redefined the concept of inappropriate by accusing President George W. Bush of not caring about black people during what was meant to be a feel-good telethon to raise money for Katrina victims. That’s when we realized you’re cocky!

To drive home the point that you’re no shrinking violet, shortly thereafter you dominated the cover of Rolling Stone donning a crown of thorns. That’s when we realized you have a Messiah complex!

Next, with an obvious flair for topping yourself, you stormed the stage like a maniacal bully at last year’s MTV Video Music Awards and robbed sweet, little, innocent Taylor Swift of her moment in the sun. That’s when we realized you’re a self-absorbed narcissist!

However, you weren’t finished yet: Adding to your collection of on-air lunacy clips, you hopped on the MTV VMA stage again this past September (albeit invited this time) and belted out a ridiculous attempt at humility and self-deprecation…And I quote, “Let’s have a toast for the douche bags/ Let’s have a toast for the a$$holes/ Let’s have a toast for scumbags.”  That’s when we realized once and for all that you’re not only a member of the douche bags, a$$holes, and scumbags club, you’re the president!

But recently, George W. Bush handed you the ULTIMATE comeback opportunity of a lifetime when he acknowledged in interviews for his memoir, Decision Points, that your accusation of racism against him touched him so deeply that he considers it his lowest point in office (And that’s amidst a $%@!-load of LOWS!). WOW! Bringing a president to his knees is definitely a step-up from having one call you a “jackass.”

And it couldn’t have come at a better time, with your new album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, about to drop. Talk about PR GOLDdigger!

All you had to do was play along like a good little fame whore. And you did…for about two minutes, returning the favor by apologizing to the former prez and saying you don’t really think he’s a racist. That’s when we realized there may still be an itsy-bitsy shred of hope for you yet!

BUT! BUT! BUT! You simply couldn’t leave well enough alone, could you?  Those crazy-wired synapses in your head just started blasting off once again like it was the 4thof July.

You went on the Today Show and threw a tantrum mid-interview, AND added salt to the gaping wound by canceling your Today Show concert. All because Matt Lauer and the production team did their job well by showing clips of the aforementioned incidents as you spoke, which, FYI, is standard journalistic procedure.

That’s when we realized you’re just downright stupid! Oh yeah, and a crybaby!

There’s an old, wise saying that goes: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice (or in your case, multiple times), shame on me. Well, Mr. West, you have fooled us for the last time.

You now have a choice:

ONE: Get your damn act together ASAP and do what you do best: Make music.


TWO: Continue making a fool of yourself, and start shopping for a nice piece of real estate in the Land of the Has-Beens. I hear the house next to Heidi and Spencer is for sale. Bet you can get it real cheap!

I hope you choose wisely.

Peace & Love,


John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses. A former celebrity publicist, educator and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).

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