As 2010 fades away and 2011 prepares to dawn, here are 11 things that I predict will happen in 2011:
1. CNN’s “Parker-Spitzer” will be canceled. So will its replacement, “Gergen-Ventura.”
2. TLC executives will take out a restraining order on Mike Gravel after he fails to take repeated hints that “Mike Gravel’s Alaska” is definitely not in the cards for their fall lineup. Ditto that for Joe Biden with his “Joey Biden’s Scranton.”
3. Despite his longing to be featured in the Checkpoint Charlie Museum in Berlin for his indispensible contribution to freedom, David Hasselhoff will continue to be denied his due recognition for bringing down the Berlin Wall by the German government. We can chalk this up to unadulterated anti-Americanism. Well. Maybe not.
4. The deranged birther website WorldNetDaily will conduct the following readers poll:
What is President Obama’s religion?
5. The Iranian government will brutally oppress its own people, stone women to death, fund terrorists around the world, hang homosexuals that its president says don’t exist, continue to try to destroy the Baha’i community, and again threaten to eliminate another country from the pages of time. In response, the UN Human Rights Council will pass a half a dozen resolutions attacking Israel.
6. The economy will not rapidly improve. Nonetheless, drug rehab centers in Los Angeles will continue to weather the economic downturn just fine.
7. President Obama will get a step closer to apologizing for America on all seven continents.
8. The 2011 Colonel Qadaffi International Prize for Human Rights will be awarded posthumously to Pol Pot.
9. Jimmy Carter will release yet another book (or two). Given the option of reading his book (or, God forbid, books) or having a rat slowly eat through your stomach, you’ll regret it if you don’t choose the latter.
10. Rhode Island Gov. Lincoln Chafee will resign in scandal. In a press conference with his wife by his side, he will come out of the closet as an illiterate American. This should surprise no one who has heard him speak.
11. Helen Thomas will deliver the keynote address at J-Street’s 2011 “Giving Voice to our Values” conference — and receive a standing ovation.