Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t care

Ron Hart Ron Hart is a libertarian humorist and author who can be reached at Ron@RonaldHart.com.
Font Size:

“Personally I wouldn’t advise a gay leading man-type actor to come out.” — Richard Chamberlain, a gay actor

Obama signed a bill letting gays serve openly in the military, which was opposed by many newly-elected GOP House members. I guess they plan to decorate their new offices themselves. Even John McCain opposed the repeal of DADT, but he did admit that, when he served with Stonewall Jackson, he found those piercing blue eyes compelling.

Maybe gays serving openly will aid the war on terror. If there is one thing extremists hate more than gays coming to fight them, it is having to watch a Broadway musical dance routine.

The bill is a reversal of the 1993 Clinton-era “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, a concept Bill Clinton developed during his marriage to Hillary. As president, Clinton opposed same-sex marriage, but the mainstream media never accused him of hypocrisy because, after all, he is a Democrat. To be fair, he was not a fan of his own marriage either.

Now the only American institution where a gay person can hide with assured secrecy and shame is Hollywood. Actors like Richard Chamberlain and Rupert Everett said recently they wished they had not come out in Hollywood since it cost them roles. Actors advise staying in the closet, not blaming Hollywood but our “misguided culture” instead. Once again, when it is not Bush’s fault the libs blame us dumb, redneck crackers for not “getting” them.

It is always interesting to see how the liberals in Hollywood opine on all things political but never want to live up to their own opinions. They think we all should pay higher taxes, but they film their movies in Canada or in any state that gives them a tax break and is not unionized.

If gays want to put their lives on the line to serve our country I think we ought to let them have an Oscar party — but not a Tony Awards party because, even they agree, that is just “too gay.” I really should not be opining on this one, since my last uniformed service was in Webelos Troop 111 in the 1970s. Afraid we would be called up to Vietnam, to get out I pretended to be gay by employing the Corporal Klinger plan I picked up from watching “M*A*S*H.”

With gays now allowed to serve openly in the military, commanders are busy re-writing their rules of engagement under Obama. Since the Juan Williams firing from NPR, any soldier who points a gun at a Muslim in war faces firing and having to serve at Fox News. Further, Attorney General Holder will probably investigate the soldier for a hate crime when he returns from Afghanistan, since he targeted Muslims.

Instead of “Reveille,” gay troops will be gently awakened to show tunes like “Tomorrow”‘ from “Annie.” Many will take an extra week of basic training to work on their abs. And now VFW lodges must serve Appletinis.

I have no problem with gays serving in our military. I do not care what they do as long as they do not try to do it to me. However, if you are a macho soldier worried about being jumped by a gay guy, you may want to rethink your career choice.

If a Hollywood producer has a $50 million movie project which is best served by not casting Richard Simmons as the heartthrob leading man, that is his call. Such latitude should also be afforded the commanders of our troops. If, in totality, a soldier is an addition to the mission and is not making a social statement or angling for a lawsuit in order to be profiled as a “courageous hero” in Newsweek, then allow him/her to serve.

After winning the right to be in the military, the next thing on the gay agenda is the right to marry. Wow — gays must really like being yelled at. So far, gay marriage has not been legalized; the feeling in D.C. now seems to be that it is OK to be shot and blown up in war, but gays are not ready for the horrors of marriage. On the bright side, military parades will now involve throwing beads to the crowds.

With the gay thing solved, our military leaders and politicians in D.C. can get back to what they do best: invading the wrong country and entangling us in unwinnable wars in order to justify their existence.

Ron Hart is a libertarian op-ed humorist and author who can be reached at: Ron@RonaldHart.com.