Okay . . . I’m the person every woman loves to hate. I’m the mistress.
Most women don’t want to think about me. They want men to realize their inevitable part in the scheme of things. That is, to honor their role in the relations between the sexes: after a look around among the women available, choose one, put a ring on her finger, and get on with their basic plan: Don’t cheat.
As the alternative to this basic plan, or perhaps as an addendum to it, I don’t mind telling you my secrets for romance, in spite of the fact that I’ve rarely been the mistress of married men. Because I have been privy to the confidential confessions of what women have done to men — both as wives and as girlfriends — to drive them either to boredom, or completely away, I will write an anatomy of the problem and the solution to a true romantic interlude.
Here is the wild ride of confidential abuse I have been privy to: “She used to pop pimples on my back when we were making love”; “If we had a party, she would show up thirty minutes late (also a timeline for nights out) and I would have to entertain or wait”; “I only got a blow job three times in our marriage — and the last time was the night before I was served with our divorce papers”; or, my favorite, “Sex was so goddamn boring — I just couldn’t crack the code . . .”
This may sound outrageously simplistic. I am just a mistress after all. The reason men love me? I will tell you. Before I go to meet any one of my lovers, I have one thought in my mind: Please let me please him.
Here is the Valentine’s Day formula — and it may not be as simple as it seems. As a mistress, I have always spent serious time thinking about my lover and all the things that really make him happy as the man I know him to be. So can you.
You know the man you’re about to have Valentine’s Day with. Forget the suggestions from magazines and popular self-help manuals. Why should you take their advice? You have the inside line to what makes your lover happy. Remember the time he irritated you by being distracted by that football game while you were skimpily clad in a come-and-get-me outfit ready for romance? Guess what? Football turns him on.
Let me backtrack a moment and redefine what Valentine’s Day means to me. It is an opportunity to unselfishly give pleasure to the man in my life who makes me happy. I never think twice about whether it will be worth my while because of two things: I love to see the look on his face when I have guessed that thing he will love correctly. And, just as importantly, when he wants to pay me back, I know exactly what he can do to make me happy. I am a realist — I don’t expect a titan of industry to guess that I would love a trip to Paris. A pair of earrings is fine. I don’t expect a poet to buy me a pair of Manolo Blaniks. Poets are good for written tributes I will have in my scrap-book forever. I also don’t expect to be recompensed for the effort I put into Valentine’s Day (which they may have forgotten — or may have to postpone for a day, because they are one of a number of my men). I am always confident that “what goes around comes around.”
Between the sheets, there is one rule of thumb: a man is never really happy unless he feels that when he has made love to a woman, he has made her happy. Forget this at your peril. On Valentine’s night, do whatever you must to ensure that you, too, are going to enjoy the touch of the man you’ve chosen. Don’t let him get too drunk. Don’t forget to let him know that he’s better than anyone else at doing those little things he does to turn you on. Praise inspires — and men have been created to please us. Just reinforce the plan!
Ladies, what I’m saying is this: If he’s worth it, let Valentine’s Day be an opportunity to love him for who he is. Gear your conversation to the things that interest him. Give yourself over to those sexual pleasures that tantalize his taste as much as your own — after all, it’s only one night! If you love him, wouldn’t you want to spoil him once a year? Don’t worry about getting good value out of the effort you put in. You’ll get it — I guarantee.
I assume I am writing to women who are selfish enough to want good value from every relationship they put their time into. I also assume that when you women go out to find men worthy of your time, you know what you want and go after it romantically with a no-holds-barred attitude . . . and isn’t that what men love about you?
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Susan Jay, a pseudonym, is a mistress by night and single mother by day. She struggles with all the daily emotional and social stressors of a modern woman, but never loses track of the joy in life. Jay loves men in all shapes, sizes, colors and ages. Meet her on her terms, and get ready to have a sexy fairy godmother in your life! She is the author of The House of Yes: An Erotic Memoir available on www.amazon.com.