DC Trawler

New Ideas for Middle East Peace

Frank J. Contributor

Maybe I was too quick to give up on Middle East peace the other day. I am an engineer, so there is no reasons I can’t solve this problem. I know there have been problems in the Middle East for a while — weeks at least — but if we look at the factors involved, solutions should be pretty obvious.

For instance, one big problem now is there are dictators in the Middle East and people who don’t want to be dictated. That’s a pretty big conflict. But here’s what I’m thinking: Do dictators really care who they’re ruling over? There have been dictators everywhere in countries big and small, and they all seem pretty happy as long as they have people to boss around. And there certainly are people who like being told what to do; like in this country, we have people who want to be told whether they can have transfats and how much salt they can use and want to be forced to buy health care. Maybe we can do some sort of service to match up dictators with people who want to be ruled over. Barack Obama might even prefer that over running for president again.

Now, another problem in the Middle East is lots of them want to kill Jews, and Jews don’t want to be killed. Again, this seems like a conflict with no solution, but that just means we need to be more innovative. If you notice one thing about the people hating Jews, it’s that they’re willing to believe pretty much anything about them. That makes this problem easy to solve. We just take the people who hate Jews to a big field full of pumpkins and say, “Here are the Jews.” They’ll probably protest at first saying they thought Jews were people, but we’ll just tell them, “Nope, that’s what the Zionist conspiracy wanted you to think. Jews are actually sentient pumpkins. So you better get to smashing them before they… Jew you… or whatever it is you think they do.” So they’ll smash all the pumpkins and we can tell them, “That’s it; you took care of the Jews. Time to move on to other things.”

Finally, one big problem in the Middle East is lots of them hate the U.S. and want to destroy us. Of course, the U.S. is way too big and powerful to destroy and can get pretty violent when people try. So unsolvable problem, right? Wrong. See there is this place north of us that’s like a Twilight Zone version of the U.S. — looks normal, but there’s just something really off about it. It’s called Canada, and to the untrained eye, it looks a lot like the U.S. So we could have the people in the Middle East who hate the U.S. destroy Canada and trick them into thinking they destroyed the U.S. Everyone will be happy.

So, someone get to implementing this and we should have Middle East peace by the end of next week at the latest. And someone please pay me my one million dollar consulting fee.

Frank J. blogs at IMAO.us and sometimes write columns. He is also on the Twitters.