1.) Everybody Loves (Talking About) Osama — Which Bin Laden would’ve loved, considering we now know he spent the years between 9/11 and 5/1/11 watching himself on TV instead of cleaning his room. Last night President Obama, whose last name is keeping proofreaders around the world awake at night, told Steve Kroft of 60 Minutes: “It was certainly one of the most satisfying weeks not only for my presidency but I think for the United States since I’ve been president. Obviously, bin Laden had been not only a symbol of terrorism but a mass murderer who had eluded justice for so long and so many families who have been affected I think had given up hope. And for us to be able to definitively say ‘We got the man who caused thousands of deaths here in the United States’ was something that I think all of us were profoundly grateful to be a part of.” That’s true no matter what you think of the president, who should probably be addressed by his first name from now on, just to avoid any more embarrassing mistakes.
2.) Bin Laden been watchin’ — As noted, we now have a much different picture of Bin Laden’s life than the conventional wisdom has dictated. Turns out he wasn’t sleeping in caves with a boulder for a pillow after all. He was actually a suburban couch potato with a satellite dish. Associated Press: “Newly released videos show Osama bin Laden watching himself on television and rehearsing for terrorist videos, revealing that even from the walled confines of his Pakistani hideout, he remained a media maestro who was eager to craft his own image for the cameras. The videos, released by U.S. intelligence officials Saturday, were offered as further proof that Navy SEALs killed the world’s most wanted terrorist this week. But they also served to show bin Laden as vain, someone obsessed with his portrayal by the world’s media. One of the movies shows bin Laden, his unkempt beard streaked in gray, sitting on the floor, wrapped in a brown blanket and holding a remote control. He flipped back and forth between what appears to be live news coverage of himself.” It’s not so much that he was so self-obsessed that he watched what people were saying about him on TV. It’s that he was so self-obsessed that he had somebody tape it.
3.) Cheney to America: “You’re welcome” — Yesterday Dick Cheney appeared on Fox News Sunday, in part to defend the Bush administration’s use of hydrotherapy on recalcitrant terrorists. As relayed by TheDC’s Jeff Poor, here’s Cheney defending his record: “We went to a lot of trouble to find out what we could do, how far we could go, what was legal and so forth. Out of that emerged what we called enhanced interrogation. It worked. It provided some absolutely vital pieces of intelligence. There is a study that was done by the CIA in the National Archives, some of it has been declassified now, that shows that enhanced interrogation of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed provided a vast treasure trove if you will of intelligence. It was a good program. It was a legal program. It was not torture. I would strongly recommend we continue it.” Barack is now in the unique position of taking credit for a victory that wouldn’t have happened without policies he has condemned. As TheDC’s Jim Treacher notes: “Pouring water on a terrorist’s face goes against our core values as Americans. You gotta break into his house and shoot him in the eyes.”
4.) Deathers, Bearders, whatever you want to call them — Barack’s refusal to release visual evidence of Bin Laden’s death is fueling the inevitable conspiracy theories. TheDC’s Amanda Carey notes that sometimes the cranks are right: “Was Osama really killed? If so, where are the pictures? And why the hasty burial at sea? …The changing narrative of how the raid played out only fueled the conspiracy theorists, eventually dubbed ‘Deathers’. But no matter how crazy they may seem, conspiracy theories will always be around. Why? Because once in a blue moon, they actually turn out to be true.” Carey then explores five past conspiracy theories that turned out to be conspiracy facts. Including one you may have heard of? Not really a big deal. Just a little something we like to call Watergate.
5.) Hey, remember the economy? — You know, the thing everybody talked about back in the old days, before Bin Laden was killed? RNC chairman Reince Priebus, in an op-ed for TheDC, writes: “These are times of great fiscal consequence; times that call upon leaders to act with purpose in a reasonable, responsible, reform-minded manner. Americans of all political persuasions are coming to the inescapable conclusion that we simply cannot go on like this. What seems so fundamental in the minds of voters continues to elude many in Washington, namely: money runs out; debts become due; negative credit has negative consequences.” Money runs out? What kind of crazy teabagger talk is that? If you’re bummed about the prospect of paying for our leaders’ foolishness for the rest of your life, and the lives of generations to come, just think about Barack’s handsome smile and deep, rich baritone until the feeling goes away.
6.) Tina Fey doesn’t like Sarah Palin — Tina Fey is the star of a low-rated workplace situation comedy and has written a book about herself. In addition to these accomplishments, she has learned how to make her voice sound vaguely like that of an Alaskan woman. Did she do so when she hosted Saturday Night Live this week? Of course she did. Here’s what FeyPalin had to say: “It’s just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time. And I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won’t twist my words by repeatin’ ’em verbatim… But the important thing for everybody to know is that I’m gonna be runnin’ for president every 4 years for the rest of my life. It’s my Olympics and I intend to win a whole buncha silvers.” It was funny the way she said it, honest! Fey is also visibly pregnant, which is a wonderful thing for any woman to be, as long as she doesn’t publicly disagree with liberals.
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