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TheDC Morning: Feds to forestall fatsos?

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1.) Feds to forestall fatsos? — Feeling bad about yourself, fattypants? Tired of making your own decisions? Don’t worry, Uncle Sam is here to keep you from making any more unfortunate mistakes when you sit down to eat. That’s right, the smart people who know how to run your life better than you do are inching toward regulating food the same way as tobacco. TheDC’s Neil Munro reports: “The federal government has a growing interest in the eating habits of Americans for the same reason it has an interest in tobacco consumption, said Kathleen Sebelius, the secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. The reason is money, because three-quarters of medical-spending is driven by chronic diseases, such as obesity and tobacco-related diseases, she said… Health-care professionals say their expertise can reduce the federal government’s health-care costs, and politicians say they need professional expertise to curb the growing cost of expanding federal health-care programs… Sebelius deflected questions about whether food officials would mandate distressing pictures on food they consider unhealthy. Tobacco is unique, she said, because it is ‘the number one cause of preventable death.’ But Sebelius did not rule out tobacco-style treatment for food. ‘It has a lot to do with underlying health costs and overall health of our nation … the work around obesity and healthier, more nutritious eating, more exercise, will continue to be I think an ongoing focus,’ she said.” It’s a good idea to eat better and exercise more. Therefore, it’s a good idea for the government to control what you eat and how much you exercise. It’s simple logic, teabaggers! After all, if the feds are going to control your health care, it only makes sense that they need to control your body itself. There’s no problem that can’t be solved by bigger, more intrusive government. And if THAT causes problems, government just needs to be even bigger and even more intrusive. It makes sense when you don’t think about it.

2.) Al Gore wants you kids to get off his lawn, planet — And as long as you’re giving up control over what you eat and how much, why should you get to decide how many kids you have? Just leave that to Al Gore, says Al Gore. TheDC’s Jeff Poor has the details: “In an appearance Monday in New York City, former Vice President Al Gore, prominently known for his climate change activism, took on the subject of population size and the role of society in controlling it to reduce pollution. He offered some ideas about what might be done for females in the name of stabilizing population growth. ‘One of the things we could do about it is to change the technologies, to put out less of this pollution, to stabilize the population, and one of the principal ways of doing that is to empower and educate girls and women,’ Gore said. ‘You have to have ubiquitous availability of fertility management so women can choose how many children they have, the spacing of the children.'” The word he’s being very careful not to say right there: abortion. But hey, empowerment and stuff! To save the planet, everybody needs to “manage their fertility” and have fewer children. That must be why Al & Tipper stopped at four.

3.) Greg Gutfeld vs. Jon Stewart — It’s the battle you’ve been waiting for! (Okay, maybe not you specifically. We don’t even know each other. Just go with it.) As Jeff Poor reports, Red Eye host Gutfeld has been watching Stewart’s latest fusillade of fussing over Fox News, and now he’s returned fire: “So, last weekend Jon Stewart was interviewed on FNC. It was feisty and all about point of view. Stewart’s claim: Fox News’ perspective is ideologically based, following a predetermined right-wing map. As for lefty bias at other networks, that’s a product of sensationalism. Or drugs. As for Jon’s bias, he says it is purely comedic. So when he links Palin to herpes, that’s coming from a funny place, not a political one. And when he dons a black accent to mock Herman Cain, that’s because comics do funny voices – even funny black voices. After all, he does Obama all the time, right? … Someone needs to tell him he is lying, not to Wallace but to himself. He is ideologically driven and pretty much admits that… The first and only step at ‘The Daily Show’ is making jokes about people the writers disagree with… Stewart may be guilty of a sin the left often accuses the right of: False consciousness. He is unaware of his liberalism because he is soaking in it, which could explain the sports coat and T-shirt combination.” Gutfeld and Stewart should agree to a televised debate, if only so their fans can go online and tell each other they’re stupid and unfunny. That’s always the best part.

4.) Ebert’s tweet brings ‘Jackass’ heat — Thoughtless snark at someone’s death before there’s even a funeral? Two thumbs up! TheDC’s Laura Donovan reports: “On the same day that ‘Jackass’ reality star Ryan Dunn died in a car wreck, movie critic Roger Ebert took to Twitter to berate drunk driving, much to the chagrin of fellow ‘Jackass’ castmate Bam Margera. ‘Friends don’t let jackasses drink and drive,’ Ebert wrote on Twitter after news outlets reported that Dunn had posted a Twitter photo of himself boozing up a few hours before the accident… Margera ripped into Ebert on Twitter with response tweets: ‘I just lost my best friend, I have been crying hysterical for a full day and piece of s*** roger ebert has the gall to put in his 2 cents…About a jackass drunk driving and his is one, f*** you! Millions of people are crying right now, shut your fat f***ing mouth!” On one hand, Ebert was just saying what everybody was thinking. On the other hand, it’s satisfying to watch people yell at Roger Ebert for being a huge jerk.

5.) You ask, Labash answers — Matt Labash is back with his regular column at TheDC where he answers questions you ask him. (Can’t remember what it’s called.) This week he takes on the #1 question in America today: Who’s more likely to cheat, Michelle or Barack? Labash says: “My quick and dirty answer would be Michelle. If Barack gets a spare minute – which he seems to have a lot of – why would he have extramarital sex when he could be getting in another round of golf? Whereas Michelle is not only subject to less scrutiny, providing more opportunities to stray, but is also the total package. She has delts of steel. She has a vegetable garden. Beneath her sunny smile beats the heart of a ferocious tigress, one who is not afraid to devour fat people, whom she clearly hates. But her ugly fatism aside, she’s a catch. I personally haven’t been this attracted to a first lady since Betty Ford. Not because I thought Betty Ford was so attractive, more because I thought she’d be fun to drink with.” Once again, that’s Matt Labash. L-A-B-A-S-H. Please send your letters of outrage to THEmattlabash@compuserve.com.

6.) Today’s words of wisdom from Alec Baldwin’s Twitter feed — “Favorite Seuss? No ham for me, so HORTON HEARS A WHO”

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