1.) Will Sheriff Joe ride off into the sunset? — President of the United States Joe Biden. Roll that phrase around in your mind for a moment. If the sound of it frightens you, then obviously you don’t make your living by mocking people in the news. But is the Biden 2016 campaign about to become even less likely than it was already? Is Obama going to replace the old son of a gun as VP? TheDC’s Alex Pappas reports: “New York Post columnist Fred Dicker says yes, quoting prominent Democrats and Republicans speculating that the president would replace Biden with New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo. ‘I don’t think there’s any doubt Obama is going to pick [Cuomo] as his running mate,’ Republican William Powers told Dicker. ‘The president is in trouble and Biden doesn’t bring anything to his ticket.’ The report also said former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown has speculated that Biden would replace Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State.” It’s like a game of Musical Chairs, except instead of chairs they’re using failure. Or, more likely, this is all just a bunch of hooey, if you’ll pardon the language. Blame must be apportioned, fingers must be pointed. And it’s not like Joe understands what they’re saying anyway.
2.) Fox News Twitter account hacked — Another month, another idiot using Twitter to ruin his own life. Early Monday morning, a person or group going by the name “The Script Kiddies” decided to celebrate the Fourth of July by breaking into the @FoxNewsPolitics account on Twitter and posting the following: “BREAKING NEWS: President @BarackObama assassinated, 2 gunshot wounds have proved too much. It’s a sad 4th for #america. #obamadead RIP” Whoever thought this was a good idea is having much less fun this morning, as the Associated Press reports: “The Secret Service said Monday it would investigate the hacking of Fox’s political Twitter account over updates falsely claiming that President Obama had been assassinated. Secret Service spokesman George Ogilvie said the law enforcement agency, whose job it is to protect the president, would look into the false postings and ‘conduct the appropriate follow-up.'” Note to the Script Kiddie or Kiddies: “Appropriate follow-up” means you will be getting a knock on your door. You might want to put on some pants.
3.) DSK might not be put away — Is the frisky Frenchman about to be vindicated? Reuters: “U.S. prosecutors will drop sexual assault charges against ex-IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn at his next court appearance in two weeks, or earlier, because of doubts about the credibility of the alleged victim, the New York Post said on Tuesday. The newspaper quoted an unnamed top investigator in the case who said the eventual dismissal of charges was ‘a certainty’. ‘We all know this case is not sustainable,’ The New York Post quoted its source as saying. ‘Her credibility is so bad now, we know we cannot sustain a case with her,’ the source told the newspaper, referring to the Guinean hotel maid who accused Strauss-Kahn of trying to rape her in a luxury hotel in Manhattan.” But the saucy socialist might not want to throw a party in his pants just yet. French author Tristane Banon says she plans to file rape charges against him, claiming he attacked her during a 2002 interview. Will this slow down DSK’s campaign for President of France? Two words: Bill Clinton. And one more word: France.
4.) NYC runs out of toilet paper — New York, New York, a hell of a town. The Bronx is up and your pants are all brown. Once again, New York City sets the trend for the rest of the nation, as reported by the NY Post: “Hey buddy, can you spare a square? The city is so hard up for cash that it’s rationing toilet paper in women’s public restrooms — to the point where bathroom attendants are doling out a few measly squares per patron — along the world-famous Coney Island boardwalk. The Post witnessed stone-faced Parks Department employees leave toilet-paper dispensers empty last week and instead force astonished female beachgoers to form ‘ration lines’ in the bathrooms.” Get used to it, folks. First it’s toilet paper. Then a loaf of bread. Eventually, a much-needed operation. Welcome to the future.
5.) Harry Potter swears off magic potion — Cute lil’ Harry is all grown up… and in recovery. AP: “Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe said he has given up drinking alcohol after realizing he was partying too hard. The 21-year-old actor says he began to drink too much while filming ‘Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince,’ the sixth movie in the Harry Potter series, in 2009. He said, ‘I became so reliant on (alcohol) to enjoy stuff. There were a few years there when I was just so enamored with the idea of living some sort of famous person’s lifestyle that really isn’t suited to me.’ He added that he decided to cut out drinking altogether, instead of simply cutting down.” Probably a good idea. Nobody’s going to line up to see Harry Potter and the Cirrhotic Liver. You know that lightning-bolt scar on his forehead? Corner of the coffee table.
6.) Today’s words of wisdom from Alec Baldwin’s Twitter feed — “Five egg whites, one yellow, sliced tomato…where else could I be? The FAIRWAY at Poxabogue Golf Course, Sagaponack has reopened !!”
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