DC Trawler

How to make a Satan sandwich

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Until today, Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO) was perhaps best known for claiming that an evil racist teabagger spit on him. But his latest foray into performance art is even better: in a turn of phrase destined for the history e-books, earlier today he called the debt deal a “sugar-coated Satan sandwich.”

This raises some important questions, of course. Is the sandwich made of Satan meat that has been sugar-cured? Or is it a sandwich that’s been prepared in some sort of Satanic ritual and then coated in sugar? Are we talking about a glaze? A dusting of powdered sugar? A candy shell, like a giant M&M? We need details, Congressman.

In the meantime, thanks to my friend Kurt Loder — who I can call my “friend” because we follow each other on Twitter, and these days that’s all it takes — I know that there actually is such a thing as a Satan sandwich:


1 jar Pizza quick sauce
Pizza dough
Shredded cheese
1 lb. hamburger
1 pkg. taco seasoning
Onions, optional

Brown hamburger. Add taco seasoning as directed on package. Roll out dough into small circles, about 8 inch across. Place meat, cheese and onions in middle of circles. Fold in half and press closed.

Bake on greased pan at 420 degrees until dough is golden brown.

That doesn’t sound so bad, actually. The sort of thing your kids would eat, if you don’t mind them running around the house yelling, “Make me a Satan sandwich!” Maybe not the healthiest meal ever, but I don’t see what Rep. Cleaver is so scared about.

The sugar-coating thing… we really are going to need some specifics on that. Like, slathering it in cake frosting? What?

Jim Treacher