What if he did it? (a satire)

Matt K. Lewis Senior Contributor
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Let’s suppose Herman Cain did it. (He denies the accusations of sexual harassment, of course — but if I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that everyone lies about sex. And so, perhaps he did as well?)

So for the sake of argument, let’s suppose Cain did what is alleged — which would be to engage in “conversations allegedly filled with innuendo or personal questions of a sexually suggestive nature” — and — “descriptions of physical gestures that were not overtly sexual but that made women who experienced or witnessed them uncomfortable and that they regarded as improper in a professional relationship.”

I’m not in favor of unwanted advances, of course — though it’s fair to say one man’s harmless flirtation is another man’s unwanted advance. But let’s be honest — some people might be flattered by such attention from a charismatic alpha male leader like Cain.

As Howard Kurtz reported in 1998, a former White House correspondent said she was “‘quite willing to let myself be ravished’ by President Clinton after she felt he had admired her legs on Air Force One.”

“I’d be happy to give him [oral sex] just to thank him for keeping abortion legal,” she said.

I’m guessing, she spoke for a generation of women. Of course, today’s story is a bit different. Clinton wasn’t exactly this reporter’s boss — I mean, it’s not like she was an intern. Still, he had a certain amount of power, and power is the most powerful aphrodisiac.

A few more thoughts …

First, it should be mentioned that Europeans are far more mature about this stuff than are Americans. If Herman Cain were running in France, for example, it would be assumed that he had affairs with — or at least oogled — the women he managed. It is only in America — in this shameful, puritanical society — that such things are frowned upon.

And it’s also worth noting that, hey — even if he hit on a couple of women — at least he didn’t give us this 9.1 percent unemployment rate….

But the most important thing to note is that this would arguably prove Cain is fit for the presidency. Frankly, I wasn’t too sure before if Cain had what it takes — whether he had the stones. But as is often said, “Men of exceptional ambition or ability, it is often said, are more highly sexed than others…” I’ve long been told that we really can’t expect our best leaders — whether it’s a John F. Kennedy or a Bill Clinton — to behave like neutered civilians.

Clearly, Herman Cain is the alpha male for the job!

(These are, of course, the very arguments some columnists would be earnestly making if Cain were a liberal.)

Matt K. Lewis