NORTH POLE — After two months of protests, members of the movement “Occupy Santa Land” declared victory today when the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) imposed a 15 cent use tax on all Christmas trees sold over the holidays. Meeting the demands of the protesters, funds raised from the tax will be used to redistribute toys from certain children that had been pre-determined by their social upbringing to be nice to those forced by their environment to be naughty.
“This is a victory for all the children of the world,” declared Occupy Santa Land organizer Olag Vissolov. He went on to say that it was patently unfair that nice children received preferential treatment from Santa Land. “Reserving material rewards for only good boys and girls is un-egalitarian. Presents should be distributed to all children without a discriminatory determination by a rich fat man as to their annual conduct.”
“Santa claims to check his list twice,” said Vissolov, an unemployed elf with a degree in art history. “But the very fact that there is a list which can be changed at the discretion of a corporate-like enterprise without governmental oversight smacks of elitism.”
The protests began when so many children began behaving badly that Santa Claus asked the elves to take a pay cut in order to continue toy production. When the leadership of the National Association of Elf Workers (NAEW) Local #223 refused to negotiate with Santa, nearly a third of the elves in Santa’s toy workshop were laid off.
Within days of the lay-offs, elves began encircling Santa’s workshop, threatening to shut down Santa Land. They claimed Santa was corrupt and making far too much money. Statements by Santa describing how he had worked a lifetime to develop a distribution system that delivered toys to good girls and boys seemed to fall on deaf pointy ears.
With some of the elves dressed as little zombies, the protests at times became violent. Mrs. Claus was shoved down a flight of steps while trying to leave a seminar on the impact of toy sales on free market economies.
Occupy Santa Land — time to share the milk and cookies
From the beginning of the protest, it was unclear precisely what the participants of Occupy Santa Land were demanding. The signs being carried by the diminutive protesters covered a wide gambit of issues.
One sign demanded that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer be excluded from this year’s Reindeer Games until his bright red nose was inspected by the Environmental Protection Agency. Another shamed the entire Santa Land operation over the discovery of the “Island of Misfit Toys” and the subsequent cover-up by led by Bumble, the Abominable Snow Monster of the North.
Although they have offered no scientific evidence to back up their claims, many of the protesters believe that reindeer discharge from Santa’s annual worldwide jaunt is a major factor contributing global warming.
The mainstream media has drawn criticism for failing to report much of the negative acts of the Occupy Santa Land protesters. Pictures of signs calling Yukon Cornelius a “Nazi” have only appeared on random right-wing blogs. Michael Moore showed up in support of the elves, but was quickly removed from the view of cameras when he ate a reindeer.
Fox News commentators and talk radio hosts have criticized other news outlets for having harsher coverage of the Peppermint Tea Party than the Occupy Santa Land movement.
Christmas tree tax not supported by all elves
While the elves participating in the Occupy Santa Land protest cheered the USDA’s Christmas tree tax, others in the elf community opposed the move for creating social warfare between classes of good and bad children.
“It’s just not right,” said Hermey, DMD, a local elf dentist. “Our entire system is based upon rewarding good behavior. Count me as part of the one percent that believes a redistribution of toys without regard to conduct is communism.”
A high-ranking executive of Elfbody Coal Company refused to talk on the record but suggested that the tax further breaks down the line between good and bad. He said that the tax will be devastating to a company like his that mines lumps of coal to be placed in the stockings of bad children.
“When children started watching HBO and playing video games with hookers in them as characters, we had to hire extra elves for our coal mines,” the spokesman said. “What am I supposed to tell their tiny families now?”
President Barack Obama has said that he understands the frustration of the protesting elves. With the line being further blurred between good and bad, Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney was asked what President Obama wanted from Santa this Christmas. “Four more years,” Carney replied.
Rick Robinson is the author of political thrillers which can be purchased on Amazon and at book stores everywhere. His latest novel, Manifest Destiny has won seven writing awards, including Best Fiction at the Paris Book Festival.