Top Ten: Dick Cheney’s old, new hearts battle it out on Twitter

David Martosko Executive Editor
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It didn’t take long for the Twitter wars to start between former Dick Cheney’s old heart and his new heart. And just like in real life, the new organ has emerged victorious.

The Twitter accounts @CheneysOldHeart and @CheneysNewHeart both started tweeting on Saturday, but by Sunday afternoon the former vice president’s original ticker was no more: For reasons unknown, Twitter suspended the @CheneysOldHeart account.

@CheneysNewHeart, however, is tweeting along at a healthy pace. That makes its banter a bit easier to find than messages from the old ticker that circulated Cheney’s blood for 71 years. But thanks to miracles like re-tweeting, Twitpic, Twitchy and Instagram, it’s possible to reconstruct some of the warring hearts’ final conversations.

We wish the former VP a speedy recovery, but his old heart has taken the whole thing pretty hard.

10. Old heart: “Missing Dick’s cold, cavernous chest. IT’S TOO WARM OUT HERE. || how is the new home feeling?”

9. New heart: “Hey @CheneysOldHeart, has the Smithsonian contacted you yet? Or Halliburton? Or Blackwater?”

8. Old heart: “Of course you Liberal bastards at Mother Jones want to talk to that BLEEDING HEART @CheneysNewHeart.”

7. New Heart: “Is it right that @CheneysOldHeart has more followers? Hmmmmmmm, and he was thrown out to the curb today.”

6. Old Heart: “I may lack Dick’s body, but I still have the will to achieve my nefarious ends. @CheneysNewHeart will not stop my unending EVIL.”

5. New Heart: “Good lord man, @CheneysOldHeart, you’re in the hospital dumpster. Flatline. Gone.”

4. Old Heart: “@CheneysNewHeart That’s what YOU think. I am eternal and I will DESTROY you.”

3. New Heart: “I miss @CheneysOldHeart. On the upside, #GOP#teaparty, and #tcot will explode with Dick’s new liberal heart.”

2. Old Heart: “He thinks he can just trade me in for a younger model. THAT NEW HEART WILL TAKE HIS MONEY. After all I’ve done for him, THIS is what I get?”

1. New Heart: “Even I have to deal with spam on twitter. A left over from @CheneysOldHeart. Bastard.”

Bonus points: While the identity of Cheney’s new thumper is still a mystery, Salt Lake City meteorologist Monica Traphagan outed herself as Dick Cheney’s “old heart” shortly after her account flatlined.

“Took the time I would have spent posting obnoxious crap to @CheneysOldHeart today and cleaned my entire house,” she tweeted. “Take that, Twitter! Wait…”

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