CDC: No zombies, despite cannibal attacks

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Michael Bastasch DCNF Managing Editor
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When the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) began issuing its satirical zombie preparedness alerts, they probably never thought they’d actually have to deny the existence of real zombies.

According to The Huffington Post, the CDC says that there were no zombies after the recent outbreak of cannibalistic attacks in the U.S. and Canada.

“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” wrote CDC spokesman David Daigle in an email to the Huffington Post.

Zombie conspiracies are bouncing around the Internet, becoming the third most popular search term on Google, according to a June 1st report.

A man in Miami, Fla. attacked and ate the face of his victim. The victim survived, but the doctors are having a hard time piecing his face together. Then, an engineering student in Maryland allegedly stabbed a man and then ate their heart and brain. In Canada, cops are searching for a low-budget porn actor who allegedly dismembered and then raped and ate his victim.

What caused this recent outbreak of attacks? Some have blamed the drug “bath salts,” others have claimed it was caused by the LBQ-79 virus. The girlfriend of the Miami cannibal said he was under the control of a voodoo curse.

In the case of a real zombie outbreak, the CDC has a zombie preparedness website. According to its guide, you need one gallon of water per day, non-perishable food, medications, a utility knife, sanitation supplies, clothing and personal documents like your driver’s license.

“If you are generally well equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, or terrorist attack,” CDC director Ali Khan explains on the site.

You could always start training with a zombie militia and learn how take matters into your own hands.

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