Taylor Swift won’t be holding hands with Conor Kennedy anymore

Taylor Bigler Entertainment Editor
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Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy have reportedly broken off their hot-and-heavy PG-13 relationship.

The breakup is nearly as jarring as the Kristen Stewart scandal, but not quite because Swift is somehow a little more annoying. But how could this happen? Swift and Kennedy seemed virtually inseparable as of like, a week ago.

“They quietly parted ways a while ago,” a friend of Swift’s told Us Weekly, the pinnacle of accurate journalism. “It was just a distance thing. No hard feelings. They’re fine.”

Well, we’re not fine! We need answers.

Swift — who is 22 but acts 14 — was reportedly so enamored with the high school junior that she purchased a multimillion-dollar home near the famous Kennedy compound in Hyannisport, Mass. and spent the summer there getting weirdly close to his family.

The pair were even photographed holding hands and even sometimes kissing each other on the mouth in public.

Kennedy even brought out devil-may-care side of the normally twee singer, since she crashed a Kennedy wedding then whisked him away from the hellish living conditions at the Deerfield Academy in her private jet for a weekend getaway.

Less than two weeks ago, Swift earned the approval from Kennedy matriarch Ethel, who called the singer “spectacular” and “sensational,” words usually used to describe a particularly delicious crème brûlée.

So what’s with the out-of-the-blue breakup?

Perhaps the boarding school’s dormitory restrictions were just too much for the couple to bear, which probably doesn’t allow co-ed handholding after 9:00 p.m.

Conor, prepare to be the star of an annoyingly cliched pop song in six months, give or take.

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