New Facebook tool to cause crippling self-doubt for singles, make it easier to see insufferable couple photos

Taylor Bigler Entertainment Editor
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Facebook has a new tool that will cause 22-year-old single spinsters to spiral into unbridled depression, and eventually blow up in the faces of couples, because true love does not exist.

If you don’t know all about your friends’ relationship statuses via their news feeds or, you know, actual in-person conversations, the new feature ensures you won’t miss a damn thing.

The social media site created an “us” page for couples that combines every wall post, photo and event shared between the pair, PFSK reports.

So say Jennifer and Bobby have finally gone FBO (Facebook official) after months of failing to DTR (define the relationship): Now, every “I <3 u” wall post and grainy, smushed, face-to-face photo mupload (mobile upload) will be combined into one handy page for all the world to see.

The page will also include every shared “like” (because both partners in every couple obviously both “like” Death Cab for Cutie and “500 Days of Summer”) and mutual friend — which will be interesting when Jenny’s ex-fling and Bobby’s frat bro’s face pops up on their “us” page. Awkward!

Also, did Facebook not consider the potential effects an “us” page may have on a jealous ex? This feature makes it WAY easier to do some social media stalking when a couple’s life is chronicled on one page. Gone are the days of old-fashioned cyberstalking when one went from an ex’s page and had to physically move their mouse and click over to the new lover’s page.

For all the single ladies and gentlemen out there who don’t have an “us” page (because you are not in a relationship, remember?), this new tool should shame you into social media obscurity as it rightly should, you sad, sad creature.

It is unclear what will happen to the “us” page after the Jennifers and Bobbys of Facebook break up. Because they always do, because love is a farce. As Daniel S. Greenberg said, “Love is the self-delusion we manufacture to justify the trouble we take to have sex.” Truer words have never been spoken.

Also, people who have their relationship statuses on Facebook are The Worst. (Unless they are engaged or married, ’cause, you know, marriage is legally binding and stuff.)

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Taylor Bigler