No Oscars for these conservative masterpieces

Andrew Klavan Author, "A Killer in the Wind"
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Ever since the now-famous Senate investigation into Non-Democrat Activities in Hollywood, the question “Are you now or have you ever been a Republican?” has struck fear into the hearts of movie-makers who ever — even if only briefly in their youths — toyed with the idea that there should be constitutional limits on the powers of the government. The industry-wide blacklist that has virtually eliminated conservative directors, screenwriters and actors from “the business” has ensured Americans will be protected from the ideas of dangerous radicals like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson and will find nothing but a wholesome diet of pro-Democratic fare at their local multiplex.

Thus it comes as no surprise that this year’s Oscar nominations include Argo, an entertaining escape drama that neatly whitewashes the near-criminal incompetence of the Carter administration in the Middle East; Zero Dark Thirty, a gripping manhunt story that neatly whitewashes the near-criminal incompetence of the Obama administration in the Middle East; Lincoln, a hagiographical snoozer that draws invidious comparisons between a truly great dead president and a truly mediocre living one; and Beasts of the Southern Wild, which makes an exciting fairy tale out of the left’s global warming … well, fairy tale.

Excluded from the nominations, of course, are any movies that might have violated the Ayers’ Office Code that ensures good pro-Democratic content in all our films. For instance:

Corrupt And Corrupter — Hilarious high jinks ensue when Congressman Barney Frank and Senator Chris Dodd “roll the dice” on America’s investments by bullying the nation’s banks into making zillions of bad government-backed loans to people who can’t possibly afford to repay them. The laughs just keep on coming as “the boys” bring the United States economy crashing down around their heads and then, in one of the funniest turnarounds of the year, lay the blame on the Republican president who repeatedly tried to stop them. The scene where Frank and Dodd, after causing the crash, actually write the law meant to “reform” the system made me laugh till I cried. And cried.

All The President’s Men 2: This Time, They’re the News Media — It isn’t often that a sequel can live up to a classic original, but ATPM2 makes the grade. In this inspiring real-life political drama, Bret Baier and the team of intrepid reporters at Fox News race against time to expose corruption and incompetence at the highest level of government, while battling a cover-up engineered by network news organizations and the New York Times. Indeed the real-life cover-up was so vast that many in the audience will be unaware that the Obama administration sold guns to Mexican gangsters who then used them to murder an American law enforcement officer, or that the White House lied about the reasons Americans were killed at the consulate in Benghazi, Libya. The scene where NBC’s ideology-crazed anchor Brian Williams tries to run Baier’s car off the road was so suspenseful it made me want to close my eyes. Or change the channel.

Arbor Day: The Streets Run Green — Horror films are not usually considered Oscar material, but here’s one that may make the Academy remember the Exorcist glory days. The story begins with a Halloween-like flashback in which the masked attacker known only as “Al” suffers the trauma that will turn him into a lunatic run amok. Moments after being told he has won a presidential election, Al has the victory torn from his grasp when it turns out the Constitution does not give power to CBS News to declare the winner. Crazed with disappointment, Al goes on a rampage, trying to leave America’s energy production in a blood-soaked heap as he raves wildly about how the world will end if people don’t give him money to “offset their carbon footprint.” In the end, the monster is stopped by being buried under a hundred million petro-dollars from Al Jazeera, which buys Al’s cable TV station, bringing the madness to an end. For now … but you know horror movies. He’s sure to be back in the sequel.

While the Academy may have overlooked these masterpieces — and while California law enforcement officers may have thrown the filmmakers into a cell next to the guy who made the anti-Muhammad YouTube video — we still know we can always look to Hollywood for artists who will speak truth to power. As long as it’s not really truth and not really power.

See you at the movies. Unless you’re a Republican.

Andrew Klavan’s latest book is “A Killer in the Wind,” available from Mysterious Press, an imprint of Grove/Atlantic.