The 10 best lines from the greatest lawsuit ever

Taylor Bigler Entertainment Editor

A lawsuit filed by Washington, D.C. publicist Wendy Gordon against gossip site FishbowlDC and its parent company Thursday contains some of the best lines in a legal document ever.

Gordon claims that the site launched an “unprovoked, online smear campaign” against her by writing a weekly feature, “Wendy Wednesday,” about her. She is seeking $1 million in punitive damages and $1 million in compensatory damages.

FishbowlDC’s lawyer said in a statement to Politico, “While we cannot comment on the specifics of pending litigation, we do not believe that there is any merit to the claims and plan to defend against them vigorously.”

Below are 10 examples of masterfully weaving legalese and modern lingo that actually made an entire lawsuit enjoyable to read.

  • “Ms. Gordon was not ‘DTF’ (i.e., ‘down to fuck’ or looking to have sex) or ‘on the prowl’ at this charity event…”
  • “Defendants also stated that anyone seeking to have sexual relations with Ms. Gordon would want to wear two condoms (i.e., ‘double bagging’), falsely implying that Ms. Gordon has some loathsome disease.”
  • “Defendants also falsely claimed that Ms. Gordon is a ‘cougar,’ which is a derogatory term for an older woman who is aggressively pursuing sexual relationships with other men, including men young enough to be her son.”
  • “Ms. Gordon had not ‘straddled Tiger Woods’ a few weeks earlier, or any other time for that matter'””
  • “Ms. Gordon was not ‘wishing she was working the waxy wang’ [of former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry] or anything of the sort, and to suggest otherwise is not only false and defamatory, but disgusting and in extremely poor taste.”
  • “Ms. Gordon does not emit some type of unusual heat between her legs that would cause a wax figure to melt.”
  • “Defendants also put Ms. Gordon in a false light by comparing her to chlamydia, a venereal disease, or implying that Ms. Gordon might have chlamydia, which she does not.”
  • “Ms. Gordon was not ‘shitfaced,’ drunk or even inebriated at the time.” 
  • “Defendants falsely suggested that Ms. Gordon had her hand in the man’s pants or was engaged in some other sexual contact with him.”
  • “Defendants have falsely portrayed Ms. Gordon as a big drinker, loose, party girl, cougar who is constantly ‘on the prowl.'”

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