Daily Caller execs to face off in first ever Tour de Caller

Stuart Dezenhall Contributor
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WASHINGTON — March Madness is over. The Masters is done. The professional basketball and hockey seasons are not yet in playoff mode. Baseball is just starting. The NFL hasn’t even had its draft yet.

Think it’s sports purgatory? Think again.

This Tuesday morning, The Daily Caller will unleash a sporting event so wrapped in drama that traffic will be forced to a halt.

Then again, that may be because two grown men are swerving through traffic in a no-rules-apply scooter/bike race during morning rush hour in Washington, D.C.

Tucker Carlson, TheDC’s editor-in-chief, will hop aboard a motorized scooter to face off against Brian Danza, TheDC’s bicycle-clutching chief technology officer, in a grueling two mile course from Fox News’s Washington bureau to The Daily Caller’s headquarters.

This first ever “Tour de Caller” race will pit man against machine, marathoner against carbo-loader, chief against chief.

The winner will receive the “trophy” shown below as well as global bragging rights.

Tour de Caller trophy

The two competitors are already getting a little chippy.

When asked why he anticipates victory, Danza cited “the fact that Tucker is fat, lazy, uncoordinated, girly, old and has a giant mane that will definitely slow him down.”

In his own defense, Carlson described his fitness level as “moderate to good” and said that his training is “mostly mental at this point.”

He added, “I’m studying the route and hardening my resolve. And of course I plan to carbo-load the night before.”

Danza pointed out that Carlson carbo-loads every night.

Carlson insisted that his scooter would deliver victory. “I plan to win for the same reason the Industrial Revolution transformed the world — because engines are more powerful than muscles,” Carlson said. “My throttle wrist is catlike in its quickness, and in this race that’s what matters.”

“In the end, hubris will undo Danza, as it inevitably does dictators and second-term presidents,” Carlson continued. “I plan to be magnanimous in victory, with a tastefully understated celebration that may or may not include fireworks and dancing elephants.”

As of press time, ESPN, Sports Illustrated, Lance Armstrong and President Barack Obama have all yet to weigh in on the impending race, creating something of a flagrant media blackout.

UPDATE: The Tour de Caller has been delayed. A new date will be announced.

Who do you think will win TheDC’s first ever Tour de Caller?

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