Poor Edward Snowden seems to be having a hard time. Ever since he fled the United States with a bunch of top-secret information about what appears to be a ridiculously invasive, secret surveillance system run by the government, he’s had trouble finding a place to settle down.
After a brief stop in Hong Kong, Snowden has been allegedly holed up for a long time in the transit zone of Moscow’s Sheremetyevo International Airport. He is apparently seeking asylum in Russia as well as a number of other countries including Venezuela, Bolivia and Nicaragua. But things are slow-going.
The Daily Caller wants to help. Here are 11 places where the 30-year-old American fugitive should consider calling home. It’d be great if he could get permission, of course, but TheDC recommends these locales even if he has to immigrate illegally. They’re that good.
Pyongyang, North Korea is the largest city and the capital of the basket case of a communist state. Pro: Dennis Rodman called Kim Jong Un a “friend for life.” If Rodman can be friends with Un, so can Snowden. Con: Arbitrary arrest and long-term detention are the norm in North Korea. Also, TheDC hears that massive spying could be the norm. (Photo: AFP/Getty Images)
In April 1986, a catastrophic nuclear accident occurred in Chernobyl, Ukraine at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant. Pro: The city is now abandoned, so Snowden can roam more or less freely. Con: Lots of radiation. (Photo: AFP/Getty Images/Viktor Drachev)
In The Bourne Supremacy (2004), Jason Bourne and his new girlfriend hid out among the hippie tourists in Goa, India. Matt Damon plays Bourne, of course, and shows strangely awful running form while sprinting down a beach in the Indian state. Pro: Jason Bourne was successful hiding out in Goa. Con: He wasn’t successful for very long. (Photo: Bourne Supremacy Universal Studios 2004 YouTube screenshot)
Khartoum, Sudan is the capital and second largest city of the Republic of Sudan. Pro: Khartoum provides asylum for scores of South Sudanese and Darfuri refugees escaping the violence of a civil war in the country and the Darfur Conflict. Con: The whole country, including Khartoum, is at least as dangerous as any American prison. (Photo: AFP/Getty Images/Ashraf Shazly)
Antarctica is the earth’s coldest, driest and windiest continent. No one lives there on a permanent basis. Pro: Police are sparse and Antarctica has no government, though various countries claim sovereignty in certain regions. Con: Antarctica is the earth’s coldest, driest and windiest continent. No one lives there on a permanent basis. (Photo: AFP/Getty Images/Vilem Bischof)
Northwestern Pakistan is an essentially lawless area home to perpetual, ongoing armed conflict involving militant groups such as al-Qaeda. Pro: The mountainous area of Waziristan may have some vacant hideouts for Snowden. Con: A U.S. drone might hit him. (Photo: AFP/Getty Images/Banaras Khan)
Harare, Zimbabwe is Zimbabwe’s largest city and its capital. Pro: Robert Mugabe, the country’s notorious president, might take Snowden under his wing. Con: Hyper-inflation was been a problem and the Economist Intelligence Unit’s livability poll has called Harare the toughest city to live in. Also, Mugabe might take Snowden under his wing. (Photo: AFP/Getty Images/Jekesai Njikizana)
Qusayr, Syria is a hotspot in the very hot civil war bedeviling Syria between the Ba’ath Party government and rebel groups. The Syrian rebels groups may soon receive above-board American military support. Pro: There is so much chaos in Syria that the main concern for Syrians could not possibly be anything involving Edward Snowden. Con: A guy like Snowden is unlikely to last until lunchtime in Qusayr or anywhere in Syria right now. (Photo: AFP/Getty Images/Jospeh Eid)
Los Angeles, California is most known for notorious Hollywood stars, landmarks and illegal-immigrant taco trucks. Pro: From Snoop Lion to Meg Ryan, aliases are a normal thing in Los Angeles. So, working on a taco cart with illegal immigrants and the name Carlos Peligroso won’t raise that much suspicion. Con: Snowden would have to subject himself to the U.S. criminal justice system, which may not end well. (Photo: Flickr/skampy)
Ashgabat, Turkmenistan is is the capital and largest city of Turkmenistan, a country in Central Asia. Pro: Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, one of the world’s best crazy dictators, could take a shine to Snowden. Con: Gurbanguly – that’s what you are supposed to call him — could crazily change his mind. (Photo: Getty Images)
Waipahu, Hawaii is a city near Pearl Harbor on the island of Oahu. It’s the last place Snowden lived before he bolted to Hong Kong. Pro: Who would look there? When Whittaker Chambers gave up spying for the Soviets in 1938 or so, he brilliantly hid out from his Soviet handlers in Baltimore, where he had lived, because he figured that’s the last place they’d look. Con: Snowden would subject himself to the jurisdiction of the United States criminal system, which may not end well. (Photo: Getty Images)