Dear Miley Cyrus,
Stop. Please, just stop it. This has gotten out of hand. Let us tell you.
First, you bleached your hair white and buzzed half of it off. Fine! It is just hair. It will grow back! But just know that you look like a poor man’s P!nk, who herself is just a poor man’s Gwen Stefani. Did you know that? Hopefully now you do.
Next, you wrote a song about drinking and partying and taking ecstasy and how you will not stop doing those things. Also fine! You are a young pop star! It is not very shocking that you drink and do drugs. The most offensive thing about “We Can’t Stop” is the grammar. Seriously — “this is our house, this is our rules” – what is that about? You probably did not go to high school, so we will try not to hold that against you.
But then you started with this “twerking” business. We are not even sure what that is, besides something that strippers have been doing for decades. You didn’t even invent it! But now all the kids are doing it. Jimmy Kimmel is doing it. It has trickled into the vocabulary of almost every demographic and it is not okay. Okay? (RELATED: Smith family reaction sums up Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance)
Then you went onstage in a nude, pleather bikini and stuck out your tongue a lot and licked a married man’s neck. Your performance wasn’t shocking; it was just painful to witness. We are sorry to have to be the ones to tell you this directly, but it was not hot! Your tongue goes inside your mouth. You sounded extremely off-key, which is silly because we know that you actually can sing. You don’t have to be naked to sing! (Unless you do have to be naked to sing, and in that case, we will work on accepting that.) (RELATED: Inventor of giant foam finger says Miley Cyrus ‘degraded an honorable icon’)
Sure, Madonna and Britney and Lady Gaga have all been naked, suggestive and downright shocking at times. But they are talented at doing those things! Humping the air is not a talent. Use your talent, which is singing!
Just yesterday you released a music video in which you are seductively licking a sledgehammer. Sledgehammers are not sexy! Maybe to a handful of people, but not to the general population. The video does not even make sense, besides that it goes somewhat thematically with the title of your song. Are you trying to make a point? If so, what is it? We would like to know! Yes, your body looks incredible in that video (can we get your Pilates instructor’s cell number after this?), but again, we really don’t think that writhing around nude at a construction site is hot.
You know what is hot? A little bit of mystery! Now, don’t take our word for it because it’s not like we know all the things that men like — which is who we presume you are trying to appeal to — but we did read that one time! It was helpful! Next time you go out in public, how about you wear pants AND a shirt that does not have holes at the nipples? Just try it!
So, Miley, please just stop doing all of the things. Your act is getting exhausting.
Grow out your hair. Stop twerking. Stop sticking out your tongue. Put some pants on! We think you can afford some. If not, we’ll organize a clothing drive.
If you do all of these things, your dignity, too, will start grow back. But it will take some time.
Thanks!
Signed,
EVERYONE