Satire

TheDC POLITICO playbook, presented by The Church of Scientology — SHRUNKEN 2014 MAP: Fewest House battlegrounds in 10 yrs.; fewest tight Senate races in 20 yrs.; frantic recruiting by parties to put more seats in play — SALLY QUINN is 90 — SMI is 17

Scoops Delacroix Freelance Writer
Font Size:

SIREN — MARK HALPERIN on “Morning Joe”: “I think Americans are increasingly frustrated…by Washington.”

NANCY TAKES THE TOWN – A big POLITICO welcome to TIME’s Gibbs: John Harris joined Rep. Kevin McCarthy and David Gergen at a welcome lunch for new TIME managing editor Nancy Gibbs at a little place just off K street. “I guess you could say it’s about TIME they had a woman running the show – probably past TIME – and we welcome her to the big leagues,” said Harris.

SPOTTED – Jay Carney shirtless in the pool at the 11th birthday of Brian Carney, his nephew: “Please don’t put this in Playbook, Mike.”

TOP TALKER – “TIME staffers in open revolt over Gibbs pick,” by Dylan Byers: “Multiple TIME insiders tell POLITICO that the ‘ineffectual’ Gibbs is a bad pick to run the magazine…’She leads with her uterus,’ said one prominent Washingtonian…Employees say Gibbs is a ‘weak’ presence within the newsroom, and can often be found ‘crying in the break room, probably about some boyfriend or whatever.’”

WHAT THE WEST WING IS READING – “HOW JFK WOULD HAVE HANDLED SYRIA” by Chris Matthews, MSNBC.com: “Timing timing never know when it’s going to go down when it’s going to hit going to sting Jack Kennedy sure didn’t know of course rest in peace and tell me are we ever going to get tired of the conspiracies about this guy I get it fifty years since that fateful Dallas day and everyone has to make a buck but come on oh man they even say it about Bobby can you believe that second shooter with Bobby in the lobby of the old Ambassador not there anymore but what do you think Rosie Grier would say if you asked him about second shooters does anyone think ask Rosie ask Rosie Grier class act do journalists even think like that anymore your thoughts.”

Anyway back on Syria you know a real mess over there and in fairness to Obama of course you can’t just send Bobby over to the embassy have a vodka work out a deal some secret deal pull some missiles out they pull some missiles out the world thinks you’re a genius you’re a hero not Obama he did alright don’t get me wrong if it works it works big and good I knew good guys big and strong older then me a little then Vietnam so you know what happens when these things go south south south Vietnam no no but you know that’s how it goes you have to be careful so maybe Obama wasn’t careful at the start and they got careful that White House once burned and all that when’s my deadline for this who let you in why are you recording me but I’ve got to say I’m going to thank Phil because you’ve got a nice smile I bet come on just smile a little don’t be shy.”

PLAYBOOK FACTS OF LIFE: There are 435 members of the House of Representatives.

JOE SCARBOROUGH, channeling the masses: “Republicans need to get it through their heads that there are 435 members of the House of Representatives.”

WEST WING MIND MELD – Firing on all cylinders: After taking some shots from Beltway elites over its foreign policy style, the West Wing is ready to remind the country why President Obama is beloved by everyday Americans … Obama’s tremendous success in disarming Syria is an excellent precedent for how he will thaw America’s long-frosty relationship with a misunderstood Iran … Rick Stengel was an excellent hire for an administration that has long prided itself for including the nation’s most innovative thought leaders … David Plouffe stands firm, his muscles glistening in the late summer sun, against a swarthy Darrell Issa and the goose-stepping thugs of the House GOP … The President’s enemies will talk themselves to death and be buried by their own confusion. Look for the White House to make a big pivot to jobs this fall. POTUS will be in California next week talking wind energy.

TWEET DU JOUR — @GlennThrush: DM@davidplouffe I just wait for the train to bump, and then brush my hand against it

HAPPENING TODAY: Luke Russert and Jake Sherman will go to Shake Shack for cheeseburgers and plan to split a shake.

BIRTHDAYS: Sally Quinn is 90 (h/t Maureen Dowd) … “Smoking hot” HuffPo intern Alicia Dunn is 17 (h/t Sam Stein) … Jonas Brothers’ drummer Jack Lawless is 26 (h/t you know who) … Alex Burns is brilliant, beautiful and forever young … Buckley Carlson is 21 (h/t Matt Labash)

BIRTHWEEK (was yesterday): Bill Medley of the Righteous Brothers is 72, and time goes by much too quickly (h/t AP)

**A MESSAGE FROM THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY: Are billion-year-old alien ghosts making you gay? Has the fire of unnatural lust consumed you? The Church of Scientology can free you of the Thetans that cause your irrational and confusing behavior. Take a free e-meter reading at your local church and go clear today! Only $95.95 plus tax. **

Tags : politico
Scoops Delacroix