SATIRE: A message from Terry McAuliffe

Patrick Howley Political Reporter
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The following is a fundraising appeal from Democratic Virginia gubernatorial candidate Terry McAuliffe, sent Monday night to supporters from his personal email account and obtained by The Daily Caller.

Friend, you’ll never guess what Ken Cuccinelli and extremist right-wing Republicans are doing now.

On Tuesday, Ken and his far-right allies are holding a fundraiser with people who do not know Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, OR Chelsea Clinton. Did you see Ken’s latest ad, where he accuses me of not getting blind-drunk with Roger Clinton in a Little Rock nudie bar in 1997? Friends, what Karl Rove and the Koch Brothers won’t tell you is that I did get drunk with Roger Clinton in that nudie bar.

And even the Washington Post would probably report that Ken Cuccinelli has never once played golf with Bill Clinton, which I have done more than three dozen times.

That’s right. Three dozen times.

We can not allow neo-confederate hate-mongering Republicans who have never met Bill Clinton except maybe once at some event to out-fundraise us. As Fleetwood Mac told us, we cannot stop thinking about tomorrow, friends. Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.

Last week, my friend James Carville told you about how he witnessed me talking to Bill Clinton many times – over lunch, over coffee, on the beach, riding sidecar on his motor-scooter with Tony Blair as we zipped along the streets of Northern Ireland. Sometimes whispering in my ear special messages that only he and I could understand. Remember when Bill Clinton told Americans to build a bridge to the future, to the twenty-first century? I personally knew him when he said that line.

Where was Ken Cuccinelli when Bill Clinton said we should build a bridge to the future? Will he tell us?

Right now we’re just $46,700 away from stopping these radical fringe-right Republican hard-liners from making Bill Clinton a distant memory. I think we all remember that it’s the economy, stupid. Remember that one? From “The War Room.” That line is still relevant today. Why? Because I was in deleted scenes on the DVD of that documentary.

There’s only one candidate in this race who has lathered SPF-40 on Bill Clinton’s neck before campaign speeches, and there’s only one candidate who can fight back against these racist Republicans who aren’t even one-eighth as sexy as Bill Clinton spewing their Ken Starr-style lies.

Forget what Ken Cuccinelli and his Elohim City friends are telling you. The facts are on our side:  Bill Clinton came to my 20th anniversary party. And he looked great.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks about Bill Clinton when they’re alone. I think about Bill Clinton every night before bed.

Let’s finish out this campaign holding hands with Bill Clinton. I can tell you from personal experience: it’s magnificent.

Thanks for your support

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