On Monday afternoon, The Washington Post placed a question in the middle of its homepage asking federal workers the saddest question of all time: “Are you ‘essential’?”
While the average person faces this existential quandary on a regular basis, WaPo was specifically posing the question to federal workers who will go without pay if the government does, in fact, shut down at midnight.
Here is how four EXTREMELY IMPORTANT AND ESSENTIAL federal employees answered this question, from most essential to least essential.
The NOAA worker: Sure. But that’s what Al Roker is for.
The NASA blowhard: Way to mix metaphors, you self-important shit.
The Unit Leader: Who do you think you are, the president? Who is calling the Corporation for National and Community Service at 3 a.m.? Approximately zero people have ever called your office at 3 a.m. You’re not responsible for anything, you faceless dweeb. Shut it down.
The only guy who is telling the truth: Someone, please give this guy a hug. This is what Camus would say if he were in charge of making sure “douche” is only said once per episode in a Seth MacFarlane sitcom. He (or she) is clearly very depressed, and also the only responder who has any sort of rational perspective on his (or her) place in the scheme of things.