Thou shalt not speak ill of fellow Republicans — with the following exceptions

Ann Coulter Political Commentator
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The following is an exclusive excerpt from Ann Coulter’s new book, Never Trust a Liberal Over Three — Especially a Republican, just released on October 14.

Instead of imitating the Democrats’ good points — winning elections — sometimes it seems as if Republicans have adopted only their bad traits, such as mob action. We don’t want slogans and catchphrases. What we’re looking for is facts.

It’s supposed to be liberals who are driven by envy, running off on wild enthusiasms, pushing causes that appall most Americans, and making decisions based on notions rather than evidence. Republicans don’t vote for a bill just because the media call it an “anti-rape bill.” We read the bill to see that it’s actually a ‘trial lawyers’ full employment bill.’

Conservatives aren’t cowed by the argument that “all scientists” (i.e., lawyers and actresses) believe in global warming. We look at the facts. We don’t think shibboleths — “academic freedom,” “free speech,” “torture,” “extremist,” and “diversity” — are trump cards. We don’t engage in politics in order to feel like we belong to something larger.

So why do so many conservatives suddenly adopt all these liberal behavioral patterns during presidential primaries? There are the shibboleths (“Romneycare!” “Bain Capital” “GOP Establishment”), appeals to status (I’m the true Reaganite!) and maledictions (“looter,” “profiteer,” “vulture capitalist,” “tool of Wall Street”), and the politics of belonging (“true conservatives” vs. “the Establishment”).

Republicans deserve stupid voters, too. We can’t leave them all to the Democrats. But Republicans have got to stop with the groupthink. What, other than mob behavior, explains some conservatives touting Newt Gingrich as the “true conservative,” while denouncing Romney as the “moderate,” “Establishment” candidate? The alleged “moderate” Mitt Romney didn’t support amnesty, didn’t take $1.7 million from Freddie Mac, didn’t cut a global warming commercial with Nancy Pelosi, and didn’t denounce Paul Ryan’s Medicare reform as “right-wing social engineering.” Gingrich did.

What could be worse on a Republican resumé than taking money from Freddie Mac, the government-backed entity that was a key player in taking down the economy? Oh yeahthats a pointbut Newt was so great when he insulted the media. Any Republican who took money from Freddie Mac ought to drop out of public life immediately, and explain that he’s an alcoholic and was abused as a child.

Don’t think bringing up “Romneycare” will help you: Newt also supported Romneycare. Ahbut Romneycare” sounds like Obamacare”! This is how liberals think, not conservatives: Hitlers favorite ice cream was strawberryso is Mitch McConnellsHmmmm . . .

Voting records tell us nothing in isolation. We need to know where the candidate had to get himself elected. Who cares if a candidate from Arizona was pro-life? If Obama were running in Arizona hebe pro-life. Why, it’s even possible to be a pro-life senator from Arizona and be so liberal, you’d push an insane policy like amnesty for illegals. Some Republican candidates are from places very different from Arizona or Pennsylvania — a state so opposed to abortion that even the Democrats pretend to be pro-life. (See Senator Bob Casey.) Being pro-life and anti-amnesty in Massachusetts tells us a lot. That’s like going to an AA meeting during Mardi Gras.

The point is, before declaring yourself the Robert E. Lee of Republican candidates, we need to know if you fought the Battle of Antietam or just won an arm-wrestling contest with Barney Frank.

In 2012, only one Republican candidate arguably wasnpro-life — the one Sarah Palin called the true conservative, despite Gingrich’s having lobbied for embryonic stem cell research. Romney vetoed an embryonic stem cell research bill in a state that — unlike Arizona, Pennsylvania, or a small  conservative congressional district in Georgia — repeatedly elected Teddy Kennedy.

Consider two recent Republican candidates for president. One was pro-life, pro-gun, pro-marriage. Another was pro-choice, anti-gun, and marched in gay rights parades. And yet Rudy Giuliani was more conservative, and did far more for his country, than Fred Thompson did. On no issue was Giuliani to the left of his electorate. Thompson was frequently to the left of Tennessee voters, such as when he voted against tort reform and against convicting President Clinton for perjury. How would his voting record look if he had had to get elected in New York? Unfortunately, all this is irrelevant to the passionate few because, for them, it’s not about getting the best candidate elected. It’s about their self-image as diehard conservatives.

The devoted supporters of these stunt candidates are generally people who got interested in politics five minutes ago. A year later, they won’t be paying attention. Oh yeahthat was a bad ideaAnywayIm out of here. The more you try to talk them out of hitching their wagon to a charlatan, the more they’re convinced of his greatness. Dont be bringing me your books and your articleshe killed in that debateYoure just part of the Establishment.

The party of trial lawyers and public sector unions does not allow its passionate base to screw up elections for the Democrats. Finally, remember that Democrats have an advantage that you do not, conservatives: They have the entire mainstream media covering for them. Do not imagine you can say something stupid and have the media ignore it. This is how bad it is — if you’re a Republican, you can’t even get your mistress pregnant while your wife is dying of cancer and you’re running for president and expect the media to ignore it.

Do not tell us about double standards. It’s never a good excuse to cite something that has been a fact since the Ice Age. The sun’s been around as long as media bias, and we don’t want to hear the sun was in your eyes either. If you can’t operate in a world that holds you to a ridiculously higher standard than a Democrat, then the Republican Party may not be right for you.

Ann Coulter is a nine-time New York Times bestselling author and national columnist. Her newest book, Never Trust a Liberal Over Three – Especially a Republican, will be released on October 14, 2013.