6 suggestions for new Redskins mascots

Patrick Howley Political Reporter
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Ever since Ted Cruz and the Koch Brothers invented the racist name “Redskins” because they hate Native Americans and also women, progressive voices have been calling out for a new mascot for Washington’s NFL franchise. Here are six suggestions for new acceptable characters.

Dylan the Bi-Questioning Teen: 15-year old Dylan is struggling with some identity problems that his suburban Iowa church-going parents just don’t understand. Like many in the LGBTQIAX7@! community, Dylan is mocked by his peers for his black nail polish and skinny jeans, dreaming of someday catching the bus to Madison to meet up with his online friends and see some actually not-lame shows for once. Entering to his trademark theme song, The Cure’s “Friday I’m in Love,” Dylan mopes sullenly around the sidelines during red zone drives, reminding fans of all persuasions that his struggle hits closer to home than they might think.

Terry the Teacher: Clad in an Argyle sweater, khaki pants, and white gym socks, Washington’s new gender neutral mascot honors the real heroes of American society. Underpaid and unappreciated in a public system that rewards lazy cops and firefighters, Terry the Teacher and his endzone whiteboard enlightens and inspires fans with Board-approved personal empowerment strategies to help them reach their full potential (Note: Terry is not available for games after 3 pm or during summers).

Universal Care Bear: In honor of President Obama’s landmark commitment to providing health coverage for tens of millions of Americans, the NFL proudly presents its most important mascot of our time. Stitched together from the handwritten stories of everyday Americans helped by the Affordable Care Act, Universal Care Bear stands outside FedEXField enrolling football fanatics in email lists that provide them instructions to log on to databases that will guide them to find secondary databases where they can enroll in President Obama’s Shared Responsibility Programs. With Universal Care Bear, halftime fun is no longer a pre-existing condition.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Dora the Undocumented Dreamer: ¿no es hora de que las mujeres latinas tienen su propia mascota para honrar las luchas cotidianas de los soñadores que han sido privados de sus derechos por Karl Rove y los conservadores racistas?

Billy Bob the Tea Party Trashman: BOO! Get your pointing fingers out and get ready to scold! Billy Bob don’t read so good, but he sure does like his guns and reckons Jesus H. Christ said a smart thing or two. Strolling the bleachers naked in a trash can filled with contraceptives that he stole from women’s shelters, Billy Bob came to party with nuthin’ but a coupla cans of Bud Light and a Confederate flag drawn on a Constitution. During each timeout, you the fans get to inform Billy Bob that his ideas are no longer valid in our public discourse.

UPDATE: Billy Bob the Trashman has been removed from consideration due to his unforseen popularity with NFL fans.

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