That’s right, I’m leaping elf-shoes first into the biggest controversy of the day. Die Hard is a great Christmas flick, and not just because it’s set during Christmastime. After all, so is Jingle All the Way, and that one sucks!
No, there are plenty of other good reasons. Bear witness to my ineluctable logic, people:
- Santa uses chimneys. John McClane uses ventilation ducts. What’s the difference, quibbler?
- McClane gives out tons of gifts: bombs, punches, broken necks, cigarettes, and hundreds of bullets. What does he ask for in return? Nothing. Well, dead bad guys. But he turns them into nothing.
- If Mrs. Claus got kidnapped by a bunch of murdering, thieving Eurotrash terrorists, do you think Santa would just sit around in his workshop and cry in his eggnog? No way! He’d get in his sleigh and find those bastards and kick all their asses. He’d make a list, check it twice, and then cross all their names off it, one by one. Just like John McClane does.
- Hey, look whose droll little mouth is drawn up like a bow:
- What is Nakatomi Tower but a man-made version of Mount Crumpit? Nothing, that’s what.
- Santa has helpers. McClane has Powell. Also, there’s absolutely no reason Reginald Veljohnson couldn’t play Santa. (Sorry, Megyn.)
- What’s the difference between Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson and Ebenezer Scrooge? That’s a rhetorical question, kids.
- Check out this Wikipedia description of the Krampus, a sort of anti-Santa who has been all but forgotten in America: “Krampus is a beast-like creature from the folklore of Alpine countries thought to punish children during the Yule season who had misbehaved, in contrast with Saint Nicholas, who rewards well-behaved ones with gifts. Krampus is said to capture particularly naughty children in his sack and carry them away to his lair. Krampus is represented as a beast-like creature, generally demonic in appearance. The creature has roots in Germanic folklore; however, its influence has spread far beyond German borders.” You know who else spread his influence beyond Germany and liked kidnapping people? Uh, duh: Hans Gruber! And if he’s the anti-Santa, that means McClane is Santa. It’s called logic, people.
- McClane gets up on the roof and makes quite a clatter, so those FBI guys go and see what’s the matter. Ring any sleigh bells, boys and girls?
- And of course:
BOOM. Case closed.
Update: More reasons. It’s over, haters.