Dallas Cowboys quarterback Kyle Orton threw a first-down interception on what could have been a winning two-minute field goal drive to end last night’s 24-22 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Orton’s interception ended the Cowboys season without a playoff bid, and sent the Eagles on to play the Saints in the first round (but at least Dallas covered the spread, thankfully).
Orton, 31, backed up Tony Romo this season until getting the start this week with Romo sidelined due to back surgery. The bearded, beefy, longhaired second-stringer didn’t exactly score any points with his boss. Here’s Cowboys owner Jerry Jones reacting to Orton’s season-ending interception:
We’re guessing that wasn’t Sunday church language. Also, somebody in Jones’ booth was taking off their shirt.
Now that Kyle Orton is a walking disgrace in America’s number-one death penalty state, he should probably look into some other career options that don’t involve him returning to the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex anytime soon. The Daily Caller has compiled some career suggestions for him, based solely on his appearance and his utter failure as a human being.
1. Weed dealer at the University of Wisconsin – Oshkosh
With a puffy green parka, a pair of K-Mart Aviators, and a used Nissan Versa, Orton would fit right into the drug trade at Wisconsin’s third largest university. Living off-campus with your roommate’s 29-year old brother, Orton could meet you in the parking lot behind Chipotle and cop you an eighth for $60, just after he gets the car back from his girlfriend, who needs it because she works part-time in Sunset Point now. “Don’t slam my door, bro,” the onetime All-Big Ten playcaller would say as you squeeze yourself into his passenger seat. “This shit’s mad dank. My buddy just got it in from Cali. You’ll want to keep this shit refrigerated. Enjoy, son.”
Oh, yeah, and are you going to the Ratdog show on the Commons this weekend? Former fourth-round pick Kyle Orton will be there and will probably have some shrooms, so hit him up early because his buddies from Madison are coming and they’ll want to tailgate so if you can’t reach Kyle Orton, here, take one of their numbers and hit them up. It’ll be $40 for two grams. Peace.
2. Professional “Magic: The Gathering” player
Kyle Orton is no mere mortal, but rather a Level 8 planeswalker who can do battle with some of the fiercest wizards in the entire “Magic” online tournament community. Operating out of his dad’s basement in an undisclosed location, Orton instills fear in his opponents throughout the plane of Dominaria, sometimes seizing the artifact of Mirari in less than seventy moves before his stepmom comes down to tell him to turn the computer off and pick his little brother up from band practice. Will former Denver Bronco Kyle Orton help the Mirrans defeat the evil Phyrexians? Only time will tell.
3. Dax Shepard impersonator
Throwing a formal event and need onetime “Punk’d” cast member Dax Shepard to show up? Unfortunately, the popular comedian and star of “Idiocracy” is busy taking meetings in Hollywood. But Kyle Orton is available – or almost certainly will be by the time the Cowboys announce their 2014 roster cuts. Whether it’s a Bar Mitzvah, a roller disco birthday party, a Delta Chi rager, or simply a Dax Shepard fan party, backup quarterback Kyle Orton will be there pretending to be Dax Shepard. Just tell him when to get there and throw him some leftover pepperoni slices when you’re done.
4. Starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns