The hilarious Twitter account @FloridaMan provides a very important public service — aggregating the most puzzling headlines from the Sunshine State. Everyone knows Florida is a land unto itself. It seems to have no rules and is inhabited by perpetually drugged or insane residents.
2013 was no different for the home of abundant oranges, alligators and bath salts. Here are some of the best headlines from each month:
JANUARY
Florida Man Repeatedly Called 911 Saying He Needed A Ride To Mexico — It’s tough when your friends won’t give you a lift.
Florida Man On Probation For Sex With A Donkey Named Doodle, Arrested Again — As if Doodle wasn’t scarred enough by their name.
FEBRUARY
Florida Man Assaults Quadriplegic With A Fish — I’m curious to know the type of fish.
Trouble-Making Florida Man Moves To Seattle, Keeps Making Trouble — You can take the Florida out of the man…
MARCH
Florida Man Who Tried To Ward Off Mayan Apocalypse From His Roof Files To Run For City Council — Just as qualified as Rob Ford or Marion Barry.
Florida Man Punched Police Horse For No Apparent Reason — I’m sure the horse had it coming.
APRIL
Florida Man Arrested For Violent Haircut — But was the customer receiving compliments from friends on the new ‘do?
Florida Man Thought To Have Pooped On Sidewalk Outside Burger King — Thought to is an important distinction here.
MAY
Florida Man Accused Of Water-Boarding Girlfriend Over Facebook Post — I’ve had similar urges after looking at my newsfeed.
Florida Man Fired From Papa John’s After Butt-Dialing Customer, Accidentally Leaving Racist ‘Opera’ On Voicemail — To write an entire opera is dedication to your racism.
JUNE
Florida Man Caught Picking Hallucinogenic Mushrooms With Alligator In Backpack — Never go foraging for psychedelics without a buddy.
Florida Man Beaten, Left Naked In Cow Pasture After First Date With Woman Named “Tree” — The vegetation is starting to fight back.
JULY
Florida Man Caught Throwing Garden Gnome Through Neighbor’s Window; Discovered As Serial Arsonist — It’s beyond clear that all gnomes are snitches.
Florida Man Upsets Neighbors After Turning Home Into “Naked Hangout Club” — Sounds like a preeeeettty cool club if you ask me.
AUGUST
Florida Man Arrested For Fondling Himself At Community Pool, Cites Invisible Lesbians — Those pesky lesbians are always turning invisible at just the wrong moment.
Florida Man Leaves Bus Full Of Children In Wrong City After First Day Of School — Maps are tough.
SEPTEMBER
Florida Man Dry Humps Woman During Rampage In Suburbia — Was the man on a humping rampage? Or was the woman on a rampage and the man had a civil duty to stop her by humping her?
Florida Man’s Dream Of Tarzan-Like Island Results In Invading, Herpes-Infected Monkeys — When Disney meets Outbreak.
OCTOBER
Florida Man Spent Years Posing As DEA Agent Just So He Could Get Into Strip Clubs for Free — He’s probably more competent than many government employees.
Mall Evacuated After Florida Man Sprinkles Wife’s Ashes in Her Favorite LensCrafters — She always loved a good BOGO deal.
NOVEMBER
Blood-Soaked Florida Man on Bicycle Arrested for Forcing Potato Chips on 8-Year-Old Boy — What kid doesn’t love Lays?
Florida Man Arrested For Dealing Oxycodone; May Lose Job as Town’s Mayor — Are you paying attention Toronto?
DECEMBER
Florida Man Tells Police Jealous Haitians Are Trying to Steal His Identity With Voodoo Curse — Hate it when that happens.
Florida Man Robs Bank, Tries to Disguise Face With Fake Sneezes — No doubt a seriously effective way to evade police.
So, thank you Florida, for all the joy you’ve given us throughout the year. Here’s to an even wackier 2014.