Here’s the best Olympics opening ceremony drinking game

Sarah Hofmann Contributor
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Olympic opening ceremonies are usually celebrations of the culture and history of the host country. Clearly. Sochi’s will be interesting. Will they gloss over the whole lack of a renaissance thing? What about that pesky communism episode leading to gang-controlled corruption in their government?

Let’s be honest, it’s probably going to include lots of nesting dolls and songs about borscht. They’ve already tried to up their sexy factor by having famous lesbian singers t.A.T.u perform in between sets of Tchaikovsky. They’re going to paint the sunniest picture possible of a country that still sends people to labor camps in Siberia. Totally reasonable.

So, in that vein, let’s participate in Russia’s actual national sport: drinking heavily. Here are the rules to the Sochi opening ceremony drinking game:

(Side note, you must be wearing a fur hat while playing)

  • For each tsar mentioned, take a shot of vodka with a pickle juice back and install a chandelier in a subway station.
  • Every time they try to make Russia sexy (show a supermodel, the entire t.A.T.u performance) take a sip of a champagne, bat your eyelashes and refer to any nearby females as Natasha, Katya or Natalia.
  • With each reference to the space program, yell out “YURI!” and chug half of a vodka tonic.
  • For every bear shown, drink your beer for five seconds.
  • Anytime you see someone who you’re pretty positive was the villain in either “Taken” or “Taken 2,” finish your drink.
  • Any quotes from Tolstoy, Pushkin, Dostoevsky or Chekhov mean a sip of vodka rocks and an existential wondering.
  • If you hear or see your trigger word, drink the whole bottle of vodka and activate as a sleeper cell.
  • Each stray dog that interrupts the ceremony is a five-second chug and a hug for a dog near you.
  • Any obvious technical screw up that happens, akin to the clusterf*ck that has been the media hotel situation and the city’s general ill-preparedness, take a shot of vodka and draft a condolence letter for family of the person who was responsible. They’re no doubt dead now.

So drink up everyone and of course remember to grab a Budweiser and chant “USA! USA!” at the top of your lungs when the Americans arrive. На здоровье!

Follow Sarah on Twitter while she live-tweets the ceremony while actually playing this game.