Noam Murro’s “300: Rise of an Empire” has it all: blood, sex, scary masks, flying horses, invincible warrior men wearing creepy man-thongs, that girl from Game of Thrones, slow motion violence, fast motion violence, fire and more blood.
If you’re looking to bro out with your bros and escape the pathetic state of our country for a quick second, you should definitely watch this movie. Here are 10 reasons why:
1. Pretty people: Lena Headey and Eva Green (plus all the men) are fierce, hot and not really into clothes.
2. Dramatic violence and blood splattering: The entire film may have been an excuse to mess around with blood and gore, which is taken to a whole new level of awesome. Plus there are giant sea monsters and flying horses. Also fire and explosions and really bright flashes of light.
3. It’s less than two hours long: Probably the film’s greatest accomplishment. You get in, get your fix and get out. This trend of 3-part-series-of-3-hour-long movies needs to stop. Peter Jackson, you’re ruining The Hobbit.
4. Dramatic pronunciation of cool words: War. God-King. Mother-Greece.
5. Inspirational lines about freedom, dying for your country and defeating tyranny: Mediocre “Braveheart” rip-offs, but still inspiring.
6. Is that Jesus? Wait, no I think it’s John Stamos. Cue mental replay of Full House theme song.
7. Original plot construction: It’s not a typical (usually lame) sequel. The way this story interacts with “300” is original and refreshingly coherent considering the emphasis on action, sex and blood.
8. The film knows how bad it is, which makes it awesome and funny: Most of the humor centers around enjoying mocking the film and yourself for enjoying it. But you never quite lose the epic feel. 5/5 stars for not taking itself too seriously or letting you take it too seriously.
9. A strong finish: The middle of the film is a bit slow, until you get to the 50 Shades of Gray preview in the middle. The film pretty successfully builds on that interesting sex scene and in the end surprisingly surprises you. It somehow takes you from “This is pathetic, why do I enjoy this?” to “This was satisfying, brilliant and funny.”
10. You have nothing better to do tonight.