The Debrief recently picked up a copy of Thomas D. Horton’s 1945 book, “What Men Don’t Like About Women” and scanned some of the most unbelievable pages to help us sisters out. (It is unclear if this book was written for women, or to remind men why women are terrible. Either way, it’s hilarious.)
In the chapter, “WOMEN IN BED — AND THE MORNING AFTER,” Horton has some very helpful tips for what women should not do during and after coitus.
- Don’t talk, because it makes you sound slutty. Women frequently shock men with their talk in bed. They use words and expressions that are seldom even used in saloons…It is truly astounding how many relatively decent women lose all control of their mouths and minds when they jump into bed beside a man. [Men] want reticence, soft, still, inner music, speechlessness, mad oblivion.
- Do not tell a man what you like in bed. There are few things in this world that offend a man more than to be directed in the sex act by his woman…The trials and tribulations of this life, for a man, are numerous and harrowing enough, for him to be spared the final blow by the bossiness of his beloved during the embrace.
- Don’t ask your man to buy you a fur coat in bed, which apparently women do ALL THE TIME. Many women, married and unmarried, look upon the act of intercourse as a sort of long-term note, payable when they feel like it.
- Do not show your face until 30 minutes after your man wakes up. Immediately after waking, what a man wants most is not to see or hear his beloved for at least fifteen minutes — preferably a half hour. If more women knew this simple fact, their love life would be happier.
- Don’t just assume you are as smart as a man, because you are not. They also assume since they are in a state of nature with a man, they are his intellectual equal.
- So don’t even dare bring up books. So they blab and blab, taxing the man’s patience to no end. What he really wants are quiet rest and sleep.
- Seriously, don’t even think about kissing your man before you brush your teeth in the morning because your breath is even more foul than his. [T]he morning mouth that has not been rinsed or cleansed is not a pleasant mouth to kiss. In this respect, women offend more than men.
- Don’t you even dare put on your clothes without hiding behind a door because you are disgusting. There is little delight for the man in seeing his beloved squeeze herself into her girdle or pour her dress over herself.
So, there you have it, ladies. Unless you want your boyfriend/ fiancee/ husband to be disgusted by you, you should remember all of these things. You are welcome.