I never watched “How I Met Your Mother” because it premiered in 2005 when I had far better things to do, like watch “The O.C.” (may it rest in peace).
People have very strong opinions about “How I Met Your Mother” (I refuse to use the “HIMYM” acronym) and the series finale, apparently, and as the resident entertainment editor here, I felt the need to write a piece about the ending of the series, because there just aren’t enough out there right now.
Here’s my analysis of the last and only episode of “How I Met Your Mother” I’ve ever watched:
- Neil Patrick Harris, a hot woman, the “American Pie” flute girl, Jason Segel and a mopey dark-haired guy all sit around a table at a bar in a 2005 flashback. The hot one from Canada is new to the group and is now best friends with the flute girl because flute girl said so.
- Flute girl said nobody is allowed to bang hot Canadian, so obviously, at least one of those guys bangs her between 2005 and the present.
- One minute later, we are in the present. I assume. There is no timestamp, but the hot Canadian is in a wedding dress and dancing with NPH who is wearing a tux, so I used context clues to determine the fact that they just got married.
- The mopey one with the dark hair is moping because he’s moving to Chicago the next day. But then he sees a pretty girl playing in the band and falls in love with her because you can tell from the music. I assume he will not move to Chicago.
- The opening credits of this show are quasi-annoying.
- NPH/ Barney wants to play a game called “Haaaaaaave you met Ted,” which I gather is a running gag that I don’t get. Ted, the mopey one, is a buzzkill and doesn’t want to play the game because he has to leave. He says congratulations to the hot Canadian, but I sense that he does not mean it. Subtext!
- Ted and Barney do some sort of ultimate high-five thing, which I assume is also another running gag.
- Ted is moping on a bench on a subway platform. An old woman tells him the beautiful bass player could be his destiny. Ted would rather mope. But then he sees the bass player waiting for the bus!
- Flash-forward to the next day: Ted tells flute girl and Jason Segel he isn’t moving to Chicago because of the bass player. TOLD YA SO.
- Barney and hot Canadian are back from their honeymoon and apparently things are not going well because hot Canadian is on TV. Ted is planning to marry the bass player! But the bass player is pregnant and wants to fit in her wedding dress, so they don’t have a wedding.
- I haven’t really laughed yet. Either it’s not funny, or I don’t get it.
- Now Ted and bass player have a kid and everyone comes over to their new house.
- Jason Segel/ Marshall is a corporate lawyer and hates it. Ugh! Someone asks if Barney and hot Canadian enjoyed Argentina. They did not! Now they are getting a divorce. 🙁
- Flute girl/ Lily and Marshall are having another baby.
- Now it’s 2016. How did that happen? Time moves really quickly on “How I Met Your Mother.”
- Marshall and Lily are moving out of their apartment, which I assume was the main setting of the show, because they are having a going away party for it.
- Hot Canadian/ Robin doesn’t like hanging out with the gang anymore, because nothing gold can stay. Robin is much taller than Lily.
- And now it’s 2018 and they are back at the same bar, minus Robin. (Aren’t there like, at least one million bars in New York City? Change it up, guys.) Marshall announces he is going to be a judge. Barney has not changed — I know this because they say so — and he likes women half his age. Ted has two kids now.
- Barney had sex with 31 women in 31 days. He got the last one pregnant. It’s a numbers game, really, so this isn’t that big of a shocker.
- Two years later, Ted is giving his kids an architecture tour and he bumps into Robin on the street, whose face is on the side of a bus because she’s hot, even though she has a bad haircut. I hope all haircuts are not like this in 2020.
- Barney has a melodramatic encounter with his new baby via an anonymous sex partner.
- Ted is getting married to the mother at the only bar in New York City, apparently. Robin comes back after she’s been MIA for a few years. She looks hot. Lily is crybaby. The mother is wearing a very unflattering wedding dress. (Satin isn’t very forgiving, ladies.)
- Flashback to the subway platform after Barney and Robin’s wedding with Ted and the mother and something something fate something yellow umbrella something bad Tom Waits cover.
- Now it’s the present/ future. Ted’s kids know the reason Ted’s been telling the story is because he wants to date Robin because OMG THE MOM IS DEAD. Sad.
- Ted makes a grand gesture to get with Robin using a blue tuba or some sort of brass instrument and Robin has a bad wig on and she looks out the window and smiles. The end.
- WHAT?!