In a major media shocker, especially to those within The Daily Caller, the pub has hired BuzzFeed Editor-in-Chief Ben Smith to be its new LGBTQ editor.
Considering Editor-in-Chief Tucker Carlson and Smith were once arch enemies, this has caused a seismic shockwave throughout the newsroom, where editors have mixed feelings about welcoming Smith into the fold. After all, Smith has called The Daily Caller “pathetic.”And Carlson has called him a “flack” and “fanboy” for the Democrats. But Smith, tired of fighting his superiors over the importance of cat videos and Andrew Kaczynski‘s barbaric insistence on them, decided to jump ship after an unexpected fishing and hunting trip with Carlson in the Everglades.
The whole thing went down as the pair was accidentally seated together on a presumably easy flight that wound up being held on the tarmac for 13 hours. At first they were furious, each demanding that the airline change their seats. “I am not sitting next to this motherfucker. Hashtag not happening,” Smith whined to the flight attendant. Carlson agreed: “Yeah, get this fucking throne sniffer away from me. Let him sit on the toilet. Stupid little piece of shit MSNBC-loving Dylan Byers promoting troll.”
It was only when the flight attendant threatened to turn the taxiing plane around and return to the terminal that Carlson and Smith looked at each other and silently agreed to get along so the plane could leave. When the flight attendant turned her head, each mouthed “fuck you” to the other. Still, they sat down and shut their mouths.
As Tucker is wont to do, he began talking to Smith for real, asking him about his life dreams, passions and kids. Carlson mustered a bigger degree of charm than usual. Eventually Smith, bone tired from last week’s listicles and Benny Johnson‘s late-night drug-fueled GIF ideas, did the unthinkable and confessed to Carlson that he rigged the “How Gay Are You” survey on the BuzzFeed site to make him appear less gay after his own LGBT editor outed him as 75 percent gay. Carlson suppressd his laughter as much as possible. Soon the pair were giggling like schoolgirls, #FF-ing each other on Twitter and bonding over their shared affinity for hunting and campfire songs. They even prayed together, which is especially odd since Smith, who is Jewish, recently admitted on the Hugh Hewitt radio program that he doesn’t believe in God. The crying got a little much for nearby passengers who asked for eye masks.
There are, however, some internal squabbles. Such as, what will this LGBTQ section really entail? While Smith wants a hard focus on tranny issues as well as a serious unpacking on what that “Q” is all about, those inside the publication want it to be Legs, Guns, Beer, Tits and Q. Smith took issue with the “tits” section, but they’re still hashing out details, including just what the Q will be. Quail hunting was floated, but Smith didn’t seem keen on the idea. Reporter Patrick Howley attempted an “over my dead body” kind of protest to the Ben Smith hire, but it didn’t fly and Howley has been temporarily transferred to The Daily Caller‘s Togo bureau.
Negotiations are underway and are expected to be finalized by close of business Wednesday.
See even more juicy details after the jump…
Note to Mirror readers: Most of the contents of this story are untrue. There are elements of truth and with the help of links you can decide what those are. If it sounds absolutely f–king crazy, it probably is just that. To be clear, Smith really has called The Daily Caller “pathetic.” And Carlson really has called Smith a “flack” and “fanboy” for the Democrats.