The Pantsuit Privilege of Hillary Clinton

Stephen Kruiser Stand-Up Comic
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I am a little tardy in submitting this column as I was busy poring over the latest official list of things we aren’t supposed to bring up if Hillary Clinton runs for president, which is updated hourly.

The formidable Clinton Media Machine is whirring, having been largely dormant since the early 2000s, when it somehow managed to give Rudy Giuliani prostate cancer. As Hillary was the heavily favored — nay, inevitable — candidate in 2008 (sound familiar?), only a scaled-down version was brought out of mothballs then. Not willing to get caught off guard like that again, it is making sure it’s up to speed nice and early this time.

Here is what I have been able to put together so far regarding what shall not be discussed regarding Her Madameship:

  1. Her age.
  2. Her health.
  3. Her record as Secretary of State.
  4. Her husband’s, um, hobbies.
  5. Her record as a United States Senator.
  6. Cheese food products.

Here is what we can talk about:


It is quite understandable that they don’t want to entertain much discussion about Mrs. Clinton’s accomplishments. She doesn’t really accomplish a lot. If you don’t believe me, just ask her.

In addition to finding new and clever ways to scream, “Shut up, misogynist!” at anyone who brings up her record, the media faces the monumental task of humanizing a woman who long ago traded her soul for a little political capital. She has virtually none of the ability to connect with human beings that her husband does. She can’t even pull off being warmer than the notoriously cold current occupant of the White House. President Obama seems distant and aloof. Hillary Clinton seems “Alien vs. Predator.”

We are already being treated to “informal polls of” and “long discussions with” Hillary’s friends to paint a more flattering picture of a woman who has had two solid decades in the spotlight to paint one of herself and was unable to do so. If you are relatively new to the American political game you might fall for some of this. If, like me, you have been around since Clinton 1.0 in the 1990s you think, “Hillary has friends?”

From all of this noise about Hillary Clinton a portrait of a powerful American feminist and politician who deserves to be president is supposed to emerge.

What we really have is a woman who has ridden the coattails of two men in her life who publicly embarrassed her — one personally and one professionally — and doesn’t have anything from the ride that she really wants to talk about today, thank you very much. Just give her the launch codes and be nice to her because she’s a girl, you binder-wielding #waronwomen Rethuglican.

Republican female politicians are routinely savaged by the Democrat media complex, so the reaction to Karl Rove’s less-than-delicate-because-he’s-Karl-Rove musings about Mrs. Clinton’s knock on the head is yet another indication that we are supposed to treat her like she’s a very special snowflake.


The Clintons didn’t invent the politics of personal destruction but they did elevate it to a high dark art form. Outside of their immediate family, there isn’t a life they wouldn’t gleefully destroy to advance their political careers. The notion that Mrs. Clinton should be ushered into the presidency through some velvet-roped ladies entrance without having to endure the same gauntlet every other candidate not named Obama has endured is ridiculous. The only thing more ridiculous is the press doing advance work saying she already has endured it.

Let her get muddy on the same playground everyone else has to if she wants to be in charge. If she gets stung by some playground rules that she and her husband made up back in the day, oh well. As we are dealing with the same media cretins who tacitly approved of Andrew Sullivan’s womb raiding of Sarah Palin, I say they don’t get to make the rules and we should let everything stay on the table when it comes to questioning the woman who would be Madame President.

If Mrs. Clinton were one-tenth the powerful feminist icon that the left so desperately wants her to be, we wouldn’t all be getting fitted for kid gloves by the media right now. She would be standing tall on her record and saying, “Take your best shot!” She wouldn’t have her husband running interference for her with bad jokes.

We wouldn’t always be reading about how awesome she is, we would finally get to see it.

However, the Hillary Clinton that media mythology has built over the years doesn’t exist in real life, and never will. The media knows this, which is why they so unceremoniously ditched her for a younger, less baggage-laden candidate who showed up practically out of nowhere in 2008. They will do it again the second Elizabeth Warren yields to all of the progressive urging to run.

The media is currently engaging in a delicate dance to get us to do anything but pay attention to Hillary, all the while keeping the attention on Hillary. This isn’t because of any great love for her, it’s largely because the Democrats really don’t have a bench for 2016 and Senator Warren is still saying she won’t run. Who else are they going to talk about at this point, Crazy Joe the Wonder Veep?

Mrs. Clinton doesn’t get to be president just because she shut up like some dutiful 1950s housewife when her husband turned the Oval Office into a No-Tell Motel. The press doesn’t get to keep whining “Poor Hillary,” while telling us she’s a formidable feminist. If she wants the gig, let her put on her big girl pantsuit and take it.