Back in the old days, before everybody but the teabaggers became enlightened, superheroes tended toward a single model: white, male, blue-eyed, square-jawed, and ridiculously musclebound. What a pack of fascists.
This changed over time. A skinny geek with prescription glasses could become a superhero. A fat kid could gain the ability to bounce around like a beach ball, and for some reason nobody openly laughed at him.
Hell, they even started letting in girls.
These were good first steps, but now Marvel Comics is changing the whole damn game. So far this week, they’ve already announced that the new Thor will be a woman, and a black guy will be promoted to Captain America.
Is this enough? Does it absolve the privileged white males at Marvel Comics for decades of racist, sexist, otherist oppression?
It does not.
Speaking on behalf of every single person in the United States entire world, I request — nay, DEMAND — that these additional, long-overdue changes be made to Marvel’s line of superheroes immediately:
Lady Thor. Black Cap. Peter Dinklage as Tony Stark: He’s inside the regular full-sized armor, and then it opens up and a ladder extends out.
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) July 17, 2014
The Invisible Woman is now a national spokeswoman for the Fat Acceptance Movement. Presumably. #MarvelDiversity
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) July 17, 2014
Bruce Banner is now a transgendered grad student who responds very badly to microaggressions. Oh, and he turns bright pink. #MarvelDiversity
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) July 17, 2014
The Ghost Rider admits lifelong battle with anorexia on daytime TV; celebratory hug reduces Dr. Oz to ash. #MarvelDiversity
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) July 17, 2014
Luke Cage & Danny Rand end years of rampant speculation by announcing engagement. Wedding is performed live on Today Show. #MarvelDiversity
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) July 17, 2014
Dr. Doom admits that his mask, armor, and thirst for world conquest stem from mother issues; becomes Bronx social worker. #MarvelDiversity
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) July 17, 2014
Frank Castle surrenders to police. Live, death-row repudiation of gun culture sets ratings record for NBC Nightly News. #MarvelDiversity
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) July 17, 2014
Mr. Fantastic finds paralysis cure for Prof. Xavier, who firmly refuses: “I’m not ashamed, Reed. This is who I am now.” #MarvelDiversity
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) July 17, 2014
NYC Mayor Wilson Fisk (R) driven from office after Matt Murdock reference in GQ interview: “Opie meets Stevie Wonder.” #MarvelDiversity
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) July 17, 2014
Everybody stops hitting each other all the time, because that’s not how we resolve conflicts in the 21st Century. #MarvelDiversity
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) July 17, 2014
Anyone else with non-negotiable demands about these entirely fictional characters can participate by using the #MarvelDiversity hashtag on Twitter.
You have 24 hours to comply, Marvel Comics, or I’ll write another post about this. You have been warned.
‘Nuff Said, True Oppressors!
Update:
@jtLOL Woops, you stumbled on a real one. pic.twitter.com/53I9QuCWFU
— Daniel Gilfillan (@OneTonTurtle) July 17, 2014