FROM AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION SOMEWHERE IN NORTH AMERICA – Honestly, if I could take it all back I would.
But on Tuesday from 3p.m. until around a hazy 10 p.m., I was stoned out of my skull and completely angry at myself for thinking what a great idea it was to interview a marijuana industry strategist and longtime former marijuana lobbyist with us both under the influence of weed.
It’s weed. Who cares? No big deal, right?
We began our chat without weed, but in my usual tenor of impatience I insisted that we take care of business first and THEN do the interview. In this case, we were going to do The Mirror Questionnaire, a staple feature of my Mirror blog typically completed over email.
A pretty fat joint emerged on the patio, and Aaron Houston, my interviewee lit it. We passed it back at forth.
At the second puff, I thought to myself, ‘holy shit, what the fuck was that?‘ as my eyes felt a mushy blur full throttle and I began to cough wildly like I’d never smoked before (and if my mother is reading this, this was just for the story. Of course I’ve never smoked before. Wink. Wink.) Okay, well it’s working at least. That’s good.
But then I opted to take a third, disastrous puff. And it was all downhill from there. Or uphill. Or sideways. Or upside-down. I can’t quite piece it together, but I’ll try.
The following is my write-up of the interview with my internal thoughts laced throughout. I’m not doctoring it except to ensure that it makes some semblance of sense as to who is talking. I have added in extra explanations where I felt they were necessary.
On a side note: D.C. law regarding marijuana use changed Thursday. If you use it in the privacy of your home and get caught, you’re fined only $25 and receive no jail time.
So let’s begin. To make this simple to understand, my internal thoughts as I’m conducting the interview (or mangling it as the case may be) are in italics. The rest is what I heard Houston say. Considering my state of mind, take it for what it’s worth.
Houston starts out with a story about the time he got really high and went on The Colbert Report.
“I’m massively nervous trying to figure out what I’m going to say, so I get high to manage the stress,” he tells me. [I feel like I’m swimming.] He’s telling me about his three-hour Acela ride from D.C. to New York. So he thinks to himself, “I probably should get a little more high. I realized as I was leaving: I got too high.” He explains, “I’m pretty good at managing my weed, but I was too high.”
High, maybe. But at least he was prompt. “I managed to get to my train on time,” he said. “Two hours into the train ride I realize I’m still too high. I get all the way to New York and got paranoid that I had gotten off at the wrong spot. I ended up finding the right New York Penn Station. I found the New York Penn line [as opposed to] Newark Penn Station. [WE BOTH START LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY] They sent a car for me. Feeling less high but still mildly high. They greet me and producers bring me to the Green Room.”
They say, “Stephen will come in and talk to you in a few minutes. This was the first show after he broke his wrist. I think he made some joke about medical marijuana helping his wrist.” At some point the producer says they want to do a dress rehearsal for a skit Colbert wanted to do. But then they change their minds. “Stephen thinks you can handle it, you’ll be fine,” he recalled the producer telling him, growing more paranoid by the minute.
At this point, he says, “they’re uproariously laughing.” At him, naturally. During the interview he stuck to his talking points. And then lied. Colbert asked, “Are you high right now?” Houston replied no. “I got through the show,” he said. “He busted out marshmallow fluff and Doritos. [INSERT FUNNY STONER LAUGH HERE].”
What do you think philosophically about all that has changed with marijuana laws in this country? We are obviously at a marijuana tipping point right now. [Seeing four of him. WTF? HEEEELLLPPP. His words sound like they’re in a bubble. Trying to understand what the fuck he’s saying.] I used to say that being a marijuana lobbyist was like being a priest. People confess things to you. So I’d have people of all walks of life telling me their experiences with marijuana. People would tell me in hushed tones of their support for it. [I can’t stop him, interrupt him or redirect him.] A lot of people whispered to me …. It’s no longer the case that there’s a negative association or stigma in speaking out about reforming marijuana laws. This is on the front page of newspapers. Legalizaing [sic] now is becoming so accepted that it’s the perceived stigma in talking about it has vaporized [sic]. It’s evaporated is the way to say it, it’s completely evaporated. [Insert Stoner laugh here…his and mine…nothing is that funny, is it? This is STUPID. But SO FUNNY]
[I SERIOUSLY DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW. SOMEONE HELP ME. And ….WHY AM I SEEING DOUBLE OF HIM? MAKE IT STOP.] The tide has so changed.
The Mirror Questionnaire
Bona Fides
Hometown: Denver, Colo.
Age: 35
Named for: No one, not that I know of. I think my parents wanted to have an option that would work for a boy or a girl. (STONER LAUGH)
First job ever: Paperboy for the now defunct Rocky Mountain News
Current employment: Strategist for Ghost Group, a private equity holding company for marijuana technology business.
If someone wants to get on your good side, what candy or liquor should they ply you with Probably IPA. I once had someone give me a gift of marijauna at a congressional fundraiser. I happened to already be talking to this guy. We’re outside, it’s dark out. I tell him what I do and he got very excited. He’s like, ‘You want some weed? Man I’m such a fan of what you do.’ I have my suit on. I put the handful of weed on the inside of my suit jacket and I ran out. I’d already gotten my [networking done]. I didn’t want a congressman to come up and sniff me and smell raw marijuana. (CONTINUOUS STONER LAUGH FOR AT LEAST 45 SECONDS)
Most exotic place you’ve ever visited: Israel. I went to the Dead Sea. Maybe Washington, D.C.
Why do you think Washington is so polarized? And please consider your answer in terms of boring us. (He’s going to go on too long. Forget it. Confessional: I did not ask Aaron this question because I knew I could not handle hearing his answer. Would’ve been too serious and too tedious considering the topic. I am in no shape to handle serious or tedious.)
Who is your celebrity crush? That’s a really good question…um, I”m trying to narrow it down because I have a couple. Gosh. Hmmm…Who would this be? I don’t know if you’d call it a crush, but I’d like to have the opportunity to convince Miley Cyrus to alter her approach to talking about marijuana. Harness some of the enthusiasm she has around marijunana because this …it’s time now for people who believe that arreststeding [sic] people for marijuana si…(I HAVE NO IDEA.) They’re on the wrong side of history. It’s a rapidly closing window. Debbie Wasserman Schultz…one of the greatest disappointments that liberal funders have had with her and by expansion perhaps the Democratic Party…her vote against medical marijuana. (AT THIS POOINT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE cotton in my mouth. DYING HERE.)
A thought that makes you want to cry: Little kids with severe illness, since I have little kids myself — it’s terrible they don’t get to be kids like other kids do.
Weirdest habit you’ve observed in a newsroom (workplace) setting? (Looooooong pause. JESUS CHRIST…IS HE GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT?) A former colleague used to purchase these veggie dogs or like fake sausage and they would be like frozen and he would let them sit on his desk and start to decompose — and then eat them. (STOONNNER LAUGH)
If you had to kiss a politician who would it be? Um…great question (TAKING TOO LONG.) This is a side story, but my son once asked if he could get a shoulder carry from the president. Just to thank the president for all the work he’s done on this…I wouldn’t mind giving him a smackeroo. (HAHAHAHAHA)
Pick one: House of Cards, Scandal or Veep: Oh great options there (sounding like surfer stoner Jeff Spiccoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High). I’d have to go with House of Cards. It’s just more realistic. Except that most politicians are not nearly as clever.
Pick one: CNN’s New Day, Morning Joe, GMA or the TODAY Show: I’ve been on the TODAY show, but never Morning Joe. I’d love to be part of that someday. I like their back and forth a lot.
If you had to have a U.S. senator or congressman as your father who would it be? Well, Sen. Mark Udall [D-Colo.] once wrapped his arm around me and said …he actually made a biblical quote. He said you’re laboring in the vineyards Aaron, in relation to legalistizng [sic] marijuana. I think that’s the most fatherly thing any current U.S. senator has said to me.
Since this is The Mirror Questionnaire, what would you change about yourself physically if you could? I’d have straighter teeth.
And your personality? (STILL SEEING DOUBLE …FUCK.) I would always like to be more patient.
Preferred beach anywhere in the world: Shipwrecked beach in Kauii [sic]. Oh it’s like Kuai’i.
Guilty pleasure TV show: I have a number of them…(I scold him a little too forcefully: JUST ONE.) The Americans.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how self-obsessed are you? (10 being you can’t tear yourself away from your own daily Google search and 1 meaning you often spend time in the country away from your computer and don’t give a crap about your Klout score.) I hope I’m a 5, I don’t know.
Workout regimen: It’s a United States Special Forces routine that’s called Gym Jones. Every day of the month is subscribed. 100s of squats, pushups…a day of rest, 60 minutes of running and 300 seconds of over hand hangs. (I am outright laughing at him and have no idea why. I think because I think he HAS to be joking…Gym Jones?) I don’t even need to go to a gym. I’ve finally found the program I like. (I tell him he sounds just like a commercial. He starts laughing endlessly, mindlessly.)
Pick one – flabby thighs, cankles or love handles? [First, I have to explain to him what cankles are.] I guess cankles….I just recently got rid of my love handles…teeny tiny ones.
Choose: Beautiful eyes, best personality or perfect legs? Best personality.
A thought that brings you great joy: My kids, writing fairy notes to my children.
A regret (of any kind): I tsch tsch [click of the tongue]…I regret missing the Farmer’s Market Saturday morning (STONER LAUGH FEST FROM BOTH OF US). Not having more of an open mind about what would get us over the victory line with marijuana and that turned out to be kids with epilepsy. Five years ago, if you came and visited me from the future and told me (WTF DID HE MEAN BY THAT? VISITNG HIM FROM THE FUTURE? OK HE IS STILL TALKING.)
Any brushes with death? If so, please describe. Actually a bunch. (SERIOUSLY?) My brother caught me as I was going over a cliff in 2009 at Red Rocks. I was mountain climbing. I was sliding uncontrollably. I was actually about to fall off backwards when he caught me. It was crazy. My brother totally saved my life. Pretty sure he saved my life.
Just a preference Q: Bo or Sunny? I guess, you know, I saw Bo first so I’ll go with Bo.
Most annoying thing your editor (boss) does: Eat fermented hot dogs in front of me during meetings. (Please note: This is a former boss.)
Rank how hairy your butt is: 1 to 10? Oh not at all. I’m probably on the baby butt side of it. A 1. (I apologize for the question profusely. I can’t stop laughing. I’m laughing uncontrollably at this point. So much so that my face literally hurts from laughing so hard. My cheeks must look insane. I so want to stop laughing but I can’t. He’s not even laughing at this point and I’m mortally embarrassed that I cannot stop. I’m apologizing profusely for the question, trying to explain that I was not the one who came up with it and am not responsible for how stupid it is.)
Go for a stroll in the park with one of the following and explain the reason for your choice. 1. Barbara Walters, of ABC and most recently, The View. 2. CNN’s Chris Cuomo. 3. FNC’s Megyn Kelly. I like Megyn, I think she also called out some misogyny at some point.
When was the last time you were, if ever, naked outside? It would have been this weekend or something. Very briefly. But yeah. (I LAUGH AND LAUGH AND EXPLAIN THAT THIS INTERVEIW [sic] IS WAYYY DIFFERENT BY EMAIL.)
From The Sunday Times’ Toby Harnden: If you could tell one person to their face that they’re full of shit, with no consequences, who would it be? Michelle Leonhart, administrator of the DEA.
From Al Jazeera’s David Shuster: If you had to watch or read a news report in a language you didn’t understand, what language would it be and why? Hmmm…I really like the sound of Italian so I’ll go with Italian I guess. I also really like how Swahili sounds. (IS HE BEING SERIOUS? I WOULD ASK A FOLLOW-UP LIKE WHY, BUT I LITERALLY CAN’T. AM I HAVING A MAUREEN DOWD KIND OF HIGH? HELP! MAKE IT STOP!)
From lefty radio host Bill Press: Where’s the one place in Washington you’d love to have sex, but can’t? Clearly the White House. The Lincoln Bedroom (STONER LAUGH)
From former Rep. Weiner’s ex-phone sex partner Sydney Elaine Leathers: Who is the worst journalist on your favorite news channel? That’s a great question. That’s a really great questions. TcK TcK TcK..[tongue clicking]. (He’s talking about putting something on the matrix but I cannot figure out what or even write down all that he’s saying.) That’s a really great question. Probably Scarborough, who can be a jackass. I think if I recall he made some offensive comments about something or other. I can’t remember what it was.
From Washington Free Beacon’s Lachlan Markay: Which universally acclaimed piece of literature, art, film, or music can you simply not stand? Oh, that’s an interesting question. Mmmmm….[or Hmmmm?] Hmmmm. I don’t have real strong aversions to any…..I try to approach art with as open a mind as possible. I mean I love most classical music, I don’t find it jarring. There’s nothing I can’t stand.
From SiriusXM’s Julie Mason: What is the lie you always tell about yourself? Nice. Let’s see. Hmmmmm…. (TWIDDLING THUMBS).
Please provide a question for the next lucky victim of The Mirror Questionnaire. Make it good. At the time you decided to get into politics or media, who was your hero, your inspiration for getting in?
Throughout the interview, Houston periodically asked, “How are you doing? Are you OK? Can I get you some coffee?” I said I was fine and kept apologizing for being so messed up. I drank three tall glasses of ice water, firmly believing the more water I drank, the less crazy I’d feel. I told him I should’ve let him get high and that I should’ve just watched and laughed at him. Instead, I was thinking, this is how Maureen Dowd must have felt after eating a few too many bites of that candy bar.
Instead of fighting it, I decided to just go with it and stop trying to feel normal. Although I kept thinking PLEASE LET THIS BE OVER SOON.
Houston politely offered to walk me to what may or may not have been my home. A straight 15 minute shot down the street. I said no, because I was already embarrassed and far too embarrassed for all this embarrassment to continue. On my way out, he told me one of the most Google-searched phrases is “how to feel less high.” What was he trying to say? On the way home, I got “lost” five times. Each block looked more mysterious than the next. A guy in a white pickup leaned out the window, “Are you okay sweetie?” Oh God. Clearly zig zagging down the street at 4:30 in the afternoon is not the sign of a well-adjusted human being. The more I tried to walk a straight line, the more I zig zagged. No block looked familiar, despite being highly familiar with my surroundings. Finally I stumbled upon the right street and blissfully turned left.
By 10 p.m. I was finally feeling quasi-normal. But not enough to venture anywhere.
The next day I wrote Houston an email telling him I’d survived.
He rang me up the next day, laughing.