Well, folks, it’s about that time. Time for you to start thinking about retirement. You may only be 38, but your company is engaging in some revenue-enhancement strategies right now, and here’s the thing: there’s a new resource called “Generation Y.” Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s also called the “Echo Boom.” Millennials? We think that’s the correct terminology (don’t use the wrong terminology around them. They each come with their own plaintiffs’ attorney).
Millenials aren’t like you. They’re better. They understand things like the World Wide Web and words like “LOL.” Do you know what LOL means? Of course you don’t. That’s why your years of topping the quarterly earnings chart are meaningless now. Go cry about Jack Lemmon into your empty 401(k) like the old, out-of-touch pile of dead weight you are.
It’s important to familiarize yourself with the different kinds of Millennials, so you can better learn their ways and maybe stave off the inevitable for another 18 months or so. Their judgment, as evidenced by their choice of president, is pretty immaculate. Because, you know, as we said, we’re implementing exciting new diversification strategies…so here are the people who will soon replace you and were also born after 1993.
1. Conner
Nope, you don’t need Spellcheck (for most of these entries, actually). That’s not “Conor,” as in Conor Larkin of Leon Uris’ epic novel Trinity. No. It’s “Conner” with two N’s and an E. Conner doesn’t like sports but he got really excited about the World Cup this year. He’s a pretty nice guy, actually. No problems with Conner. (P.S. Shout out to Conor Skelding from Capital New York. You’re the man. Keep reading).
2. Kaylee
I guess this was the name of a character on “Firefly”? Never saw the show. Look, I’ll just be frank: Kaylee is not the brightest bulb in the light-bulb store. And her voice…oh my God her voice. It’s like Satan died at an Arizona State sorority rush. But what Kaylee lacks in IQ she makes up for in total lack of self-awareness. And in Gen-Y society, that’s the biggest advantage anyone could possibly have. Upper-management potential all the way.
3. Jaxson
Don’t doubt the power of the name “Jaxson.” If Ashton Kutcher hadn’t gotten famous first, there’d be millions of little Jaxson’s right now throwing temper tantrums in the video game aisles of Best Buy.
4. Madison
The name is actually pretty, and the girl who has the name is probably pretty too. But the problem is she knows it. The only thing more intimidating than her seeming asexuality is the amount of time it will take her to fire you after 31 years at the company. Bottom lines are bottom lines. And the boss plays golf with Madison’s dad.
5. Kyler
This is a real one, as memorialized by a tweet from the now-defunct parody Twitter account @Salondotcom. It’s a pretty gnarly name, brah.
6. Keeley
We could do a few whole lists on names that sound like “Kaylee” or “Keeley.” But we figured we’d include at least two just to demonstrate the sheer demographic force that this kind of name currently is. Mark our words: there will be entire Florida towns where no one is named anything except “Kaylee” or “Keeley.” And nobody in those towns will have ever heard of Johnny Carson.
7. Logan
Sometimes we get trapped on the sidewalk behind gangly dudes who are looking down at their cell phone so they have no vision, listening to their headphones so they have no sense of hearing, and walking really slow because they have no sense of empathy. We like to think that they’re all named “Logan.” Logan is really more of a public safety hazard than anything else.
8. Ashlyn
Sorry, folks, but Ashlyn is going to be a stripper.
9. Graham
Does Graham wear shorts to work? Yes. Should you clear out your desk because he has a Computer Science degree and he knows how to make your marketing solutions go “Viral”? Yeah, we’ll need you to do that before close of business today. Thanks.
10. And the ultimate Gen-Y Name is……MORGAN (Also possibly: “Morganne”).
Is it a guy? Is it a girl? Was this person named after the bottle of Captain Morgan that their parents split at the hookah bar where they were conceived? Beats us, but it will certainly be someone named “Morgan” who ends up firing you while wearing boat shoes with no socks because your recent office joke about Scarlett (there’s another one) Johansson created a hostile work environment. Remember your Speech Codes, people. Remember your Speech Codes.