Panda Fakes Being Pregnant To Receive Perks And I Couldn’t Hate Her More

Seth Richardson Contributor
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Just when I thought I couldn’t hate pandas any more than I already do, a captive panda pulls this garbage and fakes a pregnancy to receive perks according to Gulf News.

Ai Hin was showing signs of pregnancy for more than a month. Scientists in China were giddy and even planned to televise the live birth. The Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding Research Centre routinely brings pregnant pandas into air-conditioned rooms, gives them around-the-clock care and just genuinely pampers them like some sort of Beverly Hills mom-to-be.

“They also receive more buns, fruits and bamboo, so some clever pandas have used this to their advantage to improve their quality of life,” Wu Kongju, an expert at the base told China’s state news agency, Xinhua.

But it turns out Miss Screw-Every-Other-Panda-I-Want-Special-Treatment wasn’t even pregnant. Literally the worst. Your species is dying out and not only do you refuse to mate, but then you lie about it to get more food and air-conditioning while your panda brethren waste away in a Chinese zoo (note: I assume Chinese zoos are the equivalent to Chinese prisons).

Chalk it up to being the dumbest species on the planet.

Only 1,600 of us left in the wild? Here’s an idea, let’s never reproduce.”

Seriously, you’re a bear that lives in the mountains fully capable of eating a carnivorous diet. Better eat only bamboo. And lazily, too. It’s an affront to anyone who cares about animals. Just rubbing it in our faces.

“Yeah, I could biologically be a lot more efficient. But, nah. Why do that when I got a bunch of suckers to give me air-conditioning and all the bamboo I want? Did you hear they’ll even show our live birth on television? Like we went to the moon or something? Suckers.”

Seriously, I love animals. Specifically tigers. They’re the most awesome animal on the planet and it’s not even close. They actively try to survive. Pandas are just the welfare queens of the animal kingdom. And they don’t even care. 

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Seth Richardson