DC Trawler

Panda Fakes Pregnancy, Because Pandas Are Evil Liars

Font Size:

I do not like pandas. Every day, these cockroaches with fur give me more evidence that I’m right.

Laura Smith-Spark, CNN:

A giant panda slated to be the star of the first-ever live broadcast of the birth of panda cubs has lost the role — after it was discovered the bear is not pregnant after all, Chinese state media reported.

Not only was it a phantom pregnancy, but zookeepers suspect the panda, Ai Hin, may have been faking it to improve her quality of life…

“After showing prenatal signs, the ‘mothers-to-be’ are moved into single rooms with air conditioning and around-the-clock care,” Wu Kongju, an expert at the Chengdu base, is quoted as saying.

“They also receive more buns, fruits and bamboo, so some clever pandas have used this to their advantage to improve their quality of life.”

Pandas: Nature’s welfare queens.

Left to their own devices, pandas would simply die off. And that’s as it should be. But when you say that, the same people who claim to believe in evolution recoil in horror. “How can you be so heartless and cruel?” Because I’m all about science, baby. How about you?

But I congratulate Ai Hin on pulling off this scam for as long as she did. Clearly she’s smarter than her keepers. But then, who isn’t? Their whole job is to futilely fight the natural order and keep these bamboo-crapping abominations alive.


Update: I have not yet met Seth Richardson, but I’d be honored to shake the man’s hand.