We’ve reached a weird state of affairs in political journalism. President Obama‘s coffee habits are being investigated by one of the nation’s premiere newspapers: The Boston Globe.
Why isn’t GotNews‘ Charles C. Johnson suing someone for answers?
“Security concerns are initially cited,” writes the Globe‘s Matt Viser in a story published Monday. “Then e-mails go unreturned. Caffeine consumption in the West Wing has, apparently, become a state secret.”
Since when do we care what kind of coffee Obama and his wife and daughters consume?
Viser says he knows ISIS is a more important, pressing story. But as a “passionate coffee drinker” (Pssst…Viser, we don’t care about this, either) he feels he must get to the bottom of this burning mystery. He calls coffee the “lubricant for making world-altering decisions” and the “jolt behind major speeches.”
Oh, was that what that “jolt” was in that last robotic speech by President O?
Viser appears to get to the bottom of what the general population in the White House drinks — it’s Starbucks and ME Swings. (YAAAAWNN. Can we get some espresso to finish reading his story?)
But the residence! This is what he feels he must know before he let his weary White House reporting bones rest. And he may die angsting about it, because the White House isn’t talking and neither is the first lady’s perpetually locked down press operation.
(By the way, the above photograph is Obama sipping the universal “lubricant” that may or may not be coffee with Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah.)
Viser did uncover one explosive nugget: Obama may not even drink java! He prefers tea. With a little muckraking he also figured out that Kona Rainforest Farm in Hawaii has occasionally supplied the White House with coffee.
The reporter gets insightful at the close of his story. “As to where the rest of the coffee may be coming from, Americans want answers!” he insists, incredulously speaking for all us when many of us could give two shits about what kind of coffee the President drinks. He adds, “OK, maybe just this American does.”
What’s next BG? “Inside the Wipe House: A Deep Dive Into The First Family’s Toilet Paper Habit.
Or better still, after you figure out what kind of coffee Obama sips, maybe you can finally investigate the question you really want answered — what flower does Obama’s poop smell like?