DC Trawler

Till Dumb Do Us Part: Healthy Couple To Commit Suicide, Kids Happy

Derek Hunter Contributor

The first anniversary gift is “plastic,” the 10th is “tin,” 25th “silver,” 50th “gold,” and the 64th? It’s apparently a plastic bag over the head and an overdose of sleeping pills.

That’s not officially listed on the Hallmark list of anniversary gifts, but it must be the case because that’s what a couple in Belgium is planning for

Happy 65th anniversary, Francis and Anne

Happy 65th anniversary, Francis and Anne

each other next year on their 64th anniversary.

The couple, only identified by first names – Francis and Anne, 89 and 86 respectively – are not terminally ill, but they’ve set a date to make that fact irrelevant – February 3rd. On that date they will partake in a dual euthanasia because neither can stand the prospect of living without the other.

Francis and Anne have 3 adult children, and in a show of love only awful kids can make, they support their parents’ decision because they “say they would be unable to care for either parent if they became widowed.”

Three kids, together, couldn’t take care of one parent if it was needed? I hope Francis and Anne rewrite their will before their anniversary.

While the fear of living without their spouse is understandable, and Shakespearian in a way, they’ve also ruled out living in a retirement home for a logic-defying reason – money. Not that they don’t have it, but they’re “afraid that a good retirement home would cost more than their combined pensions and that they would have to dig into their savings to afford it.”

Yes, the people who are going to kill themselves early next year are afraid they’d have to dip into their savings in order to keep living if one of them died. I’m not an expert on Belgian economics, but unless they’ve secretly figured out how to “take it with you,” I’m pretty sure that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever read.

The fact that there are “savings” could be a contributing factor into their children’s support and, in fact, helpfulness in finding a doctor willing to aid in their suicide.

One son, John Paul, found the doctor willing to kill his parents and said it was the “best solution” because “If one of them should die, who would remain would be so sad and totally dependent on us. It would be impossible for us to come here every day, take care of our father or our mother.” It’s unclear as to whether or not Belgium forbids children from moving their one surviving parent in with them, but we can assume it’s not and their kids are just horrible, horrible human beings.

If you’re planning on attending Francis and Anne’s 64th anniversary party the gifts will be easy – the only things they registered for are Glad bags and Unisom. Since their kids will gleefully be buying those, you might want to punch those newly minted orphans in the mouth.