DC Trawler

Tetris The Movie: Hollywood Is Officially Out Of Ideas

Derek Hunter Contributor
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The Wall Street Journal has a story about how there is a movie based on the video game Tetris in the works. Unless it’s about someone who rented a moving van that’s too small and they only have a limited amount of time to be out of their old place, what the hell could it be about?

CEO of the production company with too much money on its hands, Larry Kasanoff, says “Tetris: The Movie” will be “a very big, epic sci-fi movie.” Um, OK.

Since Hollywood is completely devoid of new ideas, here are a few other old video games that should make their way to the big screen.

Pitfall: Harry has to run in one direction for all eternity, swinging over crocodiles and jumping over snakes to find gold. Think of it as Indiana Jones on Valium.

Missile Command: One man must fight off a very localized alien invasion from the sky … only.

Asteroid: God really wants the pilot of a spaceship dead, so he keeps throwing giant rocks at him.

Pac-Man: Michael Moore must eat his way through a maze of Vegas buffets while trying to avoid tough interviews and his ex-wife’s divorce attorney.

Decathlon: A man is forced to compete in 10 progressively annoying contests or else the mob will kill his son.

Rampage: Harvey Weinstein doesn’t get his way once, goes crazy and destroys a city.

These are just a few, but I can already smell an Oscar.