DC Trawler

PETA President Ingrid Newkirk: Eat Me

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As we all know, PETA’s mission is to stop people from eating tasty animals. In furtherance of this goal, the members of the group are willing to humiliate themselves in any way their strange imaginations allow. Usually this involves some form of public nudity, likening the chicken industry to the Holocaust, frightening children with fake Happy Meals, and other buffoonery.

Now Ingrid Newkirk is trying a new tactic in her decades-long temper tantrum: cannibalism.

Courtesy of peta.com, here’s a bit of “Ingrid Newkirk’s Unique Will”:


As someone who has dedicated a part of my life to the alleviation of animal suffering in various parts of the world, it is my wish that upon my death, my body be used to further that same goal. It is with this purpose in mind that I make the following directions and designations relating to the disposition of my final remains. I make these directions and designations after thorough consideration and pursuant to my firm belief in the purposes for which they are made.

And then she lists all the things she wants us normal people to do with her corpse:

  • Her meat is to be used for a “human barbecue,” which will somehow remind us that we don’t need to eat meat
  • Her skin will be made into leather products, which will likewise teach us a lesson about that practice
  • Her feet will become umbrella stands, because elephants
  • One of her eyes will be sent to the EPA, because PETA’s watching them
  • Her “pointing finger” will be sent to Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey, because circuses are bad
  • Her liver goes to the French so they can make foie gras out of it
  • One thumb will be mounted, pointing up, and sent to somebody that PETA likes; the other one, pointing down, to somebody they don’t like
  • And then this: “That a little part of my heart be buried near the racetrack at Hockenheim, preferably near the Ferrari pits, where Michael Shumacher raced in and won the German Grand Prix”

Yes, this will is certainly unique.

As you can see, Ingrid Newkirk is a completely rational person and you should do what she says.

Hello? Where’d everybody go?

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Jim Treacher