Rolling Stone has apologized for publishing Sabrina Rubin Erdely’s blockbuster article about a gruesome gang rape at the University of Virginia because holes a mile wide have appeared in the story of Erdely’s star “witness,” Jackie, and because Erdely’s egregiously terrible and amateur reporting methods have been called into question.
Obviously, no publication with an ounce of self-respect will ever publish Erdely again. Her journalism career, such as it may have been before she penned these bizarre allegations, should certainly be over.
The Daily Caller wants to help. Here, then, are 11 new careers for Erdely to consider pursuing since she’s going to need a new one.
Used cars saleswoman: This one is obvious. Erdely could work at any number of retailers dealing secondhand automobiles that dot the American landscape. She could soothe customers by telling them that she has an Ivy League degree, so she must be honest. And this beautiful 1971 Chevrolet Vega here has less than 50,000 miles and was owned by a kindly nun who kept it in the convent’s heated garage.
Intern at a small-town newspaper: This job would be perfect for Erdely. She could learn the basics of journalism — integrity, honesty, how to report facts, that sort of thing — at a comfortable pace. After eight or nine years of unpaid practice, she might be ready to step into a low-paying position as a real journalist.
Personal injury lawyer: Three years laying low in law school almost worked for Stephen Glass, the disgraced writer at The New Republic who spun ridiculous tales catering to shallow leftist prejudices. Glass was not able to pass the character and fitness portion of any state bar, unfortunately. But, hey, that problem is three years down the road.
Democratic politician: Electoral politics would be an ideal next step for Erdely. Voters love to hear things that confirm their biases, even if those biases are hopelessly stupid and wrong. She would have to start small — perhaps dogcatcher or coroner. But, with some patience, the sky is the limit.
Fry cook: The fancypants graduate of the University of Pennsylvania probably thinks serving up America’s deep-fried potatoes is beneath her. Really, though, working a vat of oil is perfect for a person of her professional caliber.
Tour guide: This job is another one which Erdely likely feels is beneath her, but it fits her skills set to a tee. She could stand atop a bus rambling about urban legends and things which are in no way true. Gullible tourists who know no better would believe her, and she’d feel good about herself for instructing them.
Science fiction writer: Erdely would slide very easily into a job in which she would sit behind a keyboard spinning fabulous sagas about some dark parallel universe where evil villains who couldn’t possibly exist wreak havoc upon naive, helpless women. It’s really the occupation for which she was born.
Ditch digger: Some serious manual labor which produces something of value for society would be good for Erdely. Sadly, of course, she almost certainly isn’t up to such important work and would fail miserably.
Professional poker player: These guys sit around in tedium for hours, bluffing, in an attempt to take each other’s money. It could definitely work. However, Erdely appears to have a pointless degree in journalism, so there’s no way she could handle the intermediate-level math required to succeed in pro poker.
Retail dealer of heroin, meth and cocaine: There will always be jobs for people brave enough to enter bad neighborhoods to sell illegal drugs. It’s a tough job, though, and most of America’s street corners worth owning are already owned. Still, with a strong dose of courage, and the right connections with the Vagos Motorcycle Club or some high-level Crips, Erdely could perhaps make a run at it.
Pimp: Running a prostitution ring is hard work that requires long hours and nerves of steel. There’s no way Erdely is cut out for it, but it would be hilarious to watch. And it’s not like she has many other career prospects given her embarrassing, disgusting failure as a journalist.
(Image credits: Getty Images/Bruce Ayres, Getty Images/Richard Cummins, Getty Images/Linda Braucht, NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images/Paul Drinkwater, Getty Images, Getty Images/Greg Vaughn, Getty Images/Transcendental Graphics, Getty Images/Paul J. Richards, Getty Images/Ethan Miller, Getty Images/Marie-Reine Mattera, Getty Images)