As we’ve all learned this week, in 2015 the best way to remind white people to feel guilty about the color of their skin is to take pictures of them in restaurants and tweet them with mocking and/or scolding captions:
Black people are dying *white dude sips coffee* #blackbrunchnyc #BlackLivesMatter pic.twitter.com/4rt8Mb3DAJ
— DAS RACIST (@dasracist) January 4, 2015
Pointless, you say? Self-defeating, you scoff? Well, that just proves it once again: We live in a racist society, and you’re part of the problem. How else do you explain some white dude sipping coffee in a diner in Brooklyn or wherever, when there’s so much evil in the world? No justice, no refills!
Yesterday, the Weasel Zippers blog posted something it called a “‘For Blacks Only’ Handbook Used By #BlackBrunch Activists”. Not long after, Weasel Zippers suffered a denial of service attack that brought down the site, which was probably just a coincidence. It’s back up now.
In the interest of historical preservation, and to aid my African-American readers — there must be one or two of you, right? — in their culinary efforts against their paleskinned oppressors, I present now the full #BlackBrunch operating manual.
WARNING: NO WHITES ALLOWED. If you’re a white person, or if anybody could ever mistake you for a white person, or if you’ve ever even agreed with a white person, you need to close this browser window right now. Never open it again. Do not read this, because it’s not for you.
Are you gone yet? Seriously. Get the hell out of here, cracker, and take your white privilege with you. If you can find somebody to help you carry it.
Jeez. I thought they’d never leave, huh?
Okay. My black reader(s) may now proceed:
Seems easy enough. Kinda fun, even. You get to yell at a bunch of white people about stuff they didn’t do, and they can’t say shit about it or everybody will think they’re racists.
So get out there next Sunday morning, my oppressed brothers and sisters. Choose a route, choose a role, and choose an Internet-enabled cameraphone to enact justice on all those java-sipping, omelette-munching racists.
Just make sure you’re not late. #BrunchTimesMatter.