Blake Farenthold Sexual Harassment Case Is A War On Fun Offices

Patrick Howley Political Reporter
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Republican Texas Rep. Blake Farenthold has been accused of sexual harassment. Refusing to back down in the face of allegations by his ex-press flack Lauren Greene (and the obvious joy of anti-Republican ‘journalists’), Farenthold fired back with a court filing in which he denied that he created a “hostile work environment.”

The Daily Caller heard from a Farenthold representative that the staff in his office has a very different recollection of Lauren Greene’s time there than the version that Greene put forth. That’s usually what you say when some of your jokes get written down and it’s hard to explain that the court stenographer is killing your delivery.

According to court documents, it’s a He Says-She says. She says he made off-color remarks about her attractiveness. He says she got fired for missing work and lying about it. Since the liberal blogs are going to try this in the court of activist opinion, here’s my amicus brief…

What do I know about Blake Farenthold from my time as a Washington reporter who is actually way closer to the Republican caucus than folks at the other websites? I know that he’s an immensely likable man and his staffers like him quite a bit.

The working world is not easy, and it’s not fun. It’s not supposed to be. At my last K Street job, I sat in between a managing editor who looked like a hipster actuary and a millennial woman who went on to work at Buzzfeed. Needless to say, my shtick was about as welcome as the groom side at the Spears-Federline wedding. My current job is fun, but they keep me aware that if I don’t produce more content I’ll be back to investigating the case of the busted slushy machine in Aisle 4.

If you do happen to find yourself in a relatively fun office, it’s a rare and positive thing for everyone who works there. If somebody lame ruins that fun, then you all have to go back to the way your old offices had to be.

So on behalf of the probably irritated people who still work in that office, let’s look at the actual conduct that Ms. Greene claims went on in Farenthold-World. The conduct that was so emotionally scarring that, like, nobody who witnessed it can ever innocently watch Will Ferrell movies or listen to Rihanna’s “Rude Boy” ever again. Let’s break down the key allegations:

Farenthold “drank to excess”

Earmuffs, kids. This isn’t your Prohibition-era grandfather’s Texas congressman.

He gets flirty sometimes with redheads at events

Apparently he and his wife are estranged? Whatever, man. If you can’t have a thing for Emma Stone and also do good work on the House Oversight Committee, then I’m in the wrong business.

He told his staff that a female lobbyist propositioned him for a threesome

That’s hilarious. Look at the guy. If my jolly fat boss came in and talked about how he got hit on for a potential three-way, it’d be the funniest half-hour Solitaire break of the day. Farenthold acknowledges that he said this, but claims that he didn’t mean to say it to harm anyone. I think he’s probably telling the truth on that one.

Somebody complained about Greene’s nipples showing out of her shirt and Farenthold defended her by saying that Greene could show her nipples whenever she wants

So wait a second? You show up to work with your nipples out and bother OTHER people in the office, and then when those people complain about YOU, putting YOUR job at risk over your exposed nipples, your benevolent fat drunk boss makes a joke and defends you? Where’s Gloria Allred when you need her?

Farenthold told her that her skirt was unzipped, so obviously that means he was looking closely at her skirt

Yeah because her nipple-showing was so subtle…

He made a joke about semen on her skirt when he saw a stain on it

He outright denies this claim, and he wouldn’t do that if any evidence or witnesses would come out confirming it, so this one is as good as deleted.

He occasionally complimented the way she looked

He says he did that casually to male employees, too. Shit, I wish somebody would compliment my appearance at work. I get Chris Bedford shooting me in the face with Nerf darts. A quick “Hey Pat, looking sharp in that Gap turtleneck” would be a welcome change.

She says he told somebody he had wet dreams about her

“Defendant denies that Rep. Farenthold was attracted to Plaintiff, that he had sexual fantasies about Plaintiff, or that he had wet dreams about Plaintiff,” according to Farenthold’s court filing.

Wet dream? This claim is highly suspect. How many grown men have wet dreams? I haven’t had a wet dream since I was in the Babe Ruth League and Amanda Bynes was attractive. I’d be more likely to believe that he said “There’s a rumbling in my Vas Deferens.”

He says she got fired for unexcused absences and lying about where she was

Not exactly model employee behavior. Granted, at some point Tucker Carlson is going to find out that I don’t actually make “blood deliveries” for the Red Cross every Monday after a fun weekend, but if I get the axe it will be too hard to remember exactly what he’s said about my nipples.

In summation: End the in-his-own-damn-office joke censorship of Blake Farenthold or pretty soon every office environment will be hostilely clinical and lame. Thank you.

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