WH: “Hello, White House Situation Room.”
TERRORIST: “Hello, dog. This is the [insert religion here] Peoples Front dedicated to ending oppression. We have planted a bomb in a government building in Washington and we will take the lives of the oppressors to further the cause of [insert religion here].”
WH: “Well, we can all agree that individuals who perpetuated terrorism may call themselves [insert religion here] and their warped interpretation of [insert religion here] may be what motivated them to commit these acts, but we are very, very clear that we do not believe that they are representing [insert religion here]. There is absolutely no justification for these attacks in [insert religion here].”
TERRORIST: “What? Did you not hear that we are ready to kill and die for [insert religion here].”
WH: “I’m sorry sir or madam, but you cannot be representing [insert religion here] as we do not believe that you are representing [insert religion here]. There is absolutely no justification for what you are proposing in [insert religion here].”
Silence
TERRORIST: “Are you freaking kidding me? You are telling me what [insert religion here] justifies and what it doesn’t? Listen dog, I have spent five years in [insert religion] school, read the [insert religion text] cover to cover and studied the writing of [insert religious scholar] and you are telling me that you know more about [insert religion]? Just what authority do you have to tell me about [insert religion]? ”
WH: “Sir or madam, the United States government has used the finest economists, political scientists and English Literature doctorates in the State Department to analyze [insert religion] in detail, and the president – who is not for the record, of the [insert religion] faith – is really , really smart and knows about these things.”
TERORRIST: “Look, I really don’t have time to argue about this. We have a bomb and we are ready to kill for [insert religion], and I just want to make sure that you know that we are doing this for [insert religion here], in the furtherance of [insert religion].”
WH: “I have no doubt sir or madam, that you are sincere in your warped interpretation of [insert religion] and I personally have nothing but respect for your warped sincerity as this Administration knows that your misguided claim to represent [insert religion] is most likely a lack of opportunity for a job. Would you, sir or madam, be interested in learning more about job opportunities and perhaps health care options? I can recommend a website.”
TERORRIST: ”Hey, for your information, I happen to have a very successful career, a great health plan with full dental, and a very satisfying hobby in making bombs and fighting oppression, so don’t try that ‘I can help you’ crap with me. I’m very happy with who I am and what I do, and right now I’d like to focus on the bomb I set to attack the oppressors in the name of [insert religion here].”
WH: “Very well, sir or madam. May I enquire as to whether or not the bomb you planted is likely to kill or injure any members of [insert religion]. If so, we’d like to prepare a statement by the president that “No one in the United States of America should ever be targeted because of who they are, what they look like, or how they worship.”
Silence
TERRORIST: “Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you reject my specific claim that the bomb is in furtherance of [insert religion] but if someone of [insert religion] is killed by the bomb you will decry the fact that they were targeted because they were [insert religion]?”
WH: “Sir or madam, I understand how this may be difficult for you to understand and I’d be happy to direct you to the State Department Identity Group Rankings website which include graphs and chart to help you better understand oppressed religions versus privileged religions, and official United States policies thereto.”
TERRORIST: “Well, this has been interesting. I think I’ll just call CNN.”
WH: “Thank you for calling the White House Situation Room, sir or madam. If you stay on the line, we have a brief survey we’d like you to participate in to help us serve you better in the future.”
*click*