This weekend, I attended the monthly secret convention of white people at a nondescript Holiday Inn Express a few miles outside of Green Bay.
Pulling up five minutes early and tossing the keys to my Jetta to a Mexican valet, I took a seat at a back table with the Colgate college tennis team and the Hellmann’s mayonnaise lobby. I sat through a comedy routine by Drew Carey and the keynote speech: an appeal for Dave Matthews scalper tickets from a pair of high school kids from Rhode Island. Before Steve Scalise got up to speak, I stood up and interrupted.
“Fellow white people,” I said, “there is a dangerous plague in our midst! This is worse than the gin and tonic shortage of ’57. Worse than Larry Bird’s back injury. Worse even than a round-trip flight on JetBlue.”
The crowd gasped. “What is it?” demanded Donny Osmond, trembling. “Out with it, sir!”
“Ladies, gentlemen, Bruce Jenner, I give you this…”
An uproar broke out in the room. The S&P 500 temporarily plunged. Two Episocpal priests started making out.
“Be stoic!” I implored my fellow white people. “There is an explanation for all of this. You see, under our very noses there grows a virus, the products of which will make non-white people hate all white people for eternity. The man you just saw is no simple retard from the northern Appalachians. In fact, his name is Chris Hayes. He is a television host on the MSNBC network.”
The MSNBC table, seated closest to the stage, shielded its predominately white faces.
“According to press reports, Chris Hayes is a fancy lad. That’s obvious. But he is also a visible member of the progressive movement, a disturbing idea concocted in this very room and promoted at our most whitest universities. The idea, so far as I can tell, is to take the whitest and nerdiest families and have them raise their children in hyper-privileged white environments away from ethnic minorities and working-class white people. The children’s every whims are indulged. They grow up with no distinction between the boys and the girls. They play co-ed soccer. They hyphenate their last names like ‘McMorris-Santoro.’ They don’t date formally, but rather ‘hang out’ among themselves in catty coed groups. They don’t even have Boys Bathrooms and Girls bathrooms anymore.”
“They all piss together?” shouted Andrew Dice Clay, his fist shaking.
“That’s right, Dice. They all piss together. Then they go on to liberal arts colleges where they’re taught to hate white men, they’re taught that everything white men do is evil. But half of them ARE white men who have been told their entire lives to think of themselves as special and superior to others. So how do they reconcile this new information to resolve themselves of guilt? Well, they join the progressive movement.
“They spend their adult lives paying lip-service to left-wing racial activism. They show up to ‘Black Lives Matter’ protests even though the black people don’t want them there. They claim to be feminists even though they technically have nut-sacks. They push for comprehensive immigration reform and then hire the Spanish people as servants. They get so full of themselves, so high on their multicolored scented markers of racial diversity, that they forget they’re still rich, effeminate white people. The reality comes out in harsh, tragic ways.
“There was the time Chris Hayes went to Ferguson and the black protesters threw rocks at him and he still tried to get them to think he was cool. There was the time Huffington Post reporter Ryan J. Reilly intentionally got arrested in Ferguson and then went on HuffPost Live and literally cried about how the police officers were mean to him.”
“He cried?” bellowed Frank Sinatra Jr.
“He cried like Nancy Drew. The only one crying harder was his father, probably, watching that travesty on his computer screen.”
“That poor old man,” murmured the guy who played Paulie Walnuts on The Sopranos.
“And now, we have the Vine video I just showed you. The one of Chris Hayes booty-dancing. The progressive hallmarks are all there: extreme white privilege, physical awkwardness, complete obliviousness to the fact that he is white. This is what ethnic minorities see now when they think about white people. This threatens our very ability to continue to exist in the world without everyone thinking we’re a bunch of douchebags.
“My fellow white people, we had Burt Reynolds. We had Johnny Unitas. We had Dirty Harry and the Naked Gun movies and most of the copyrights on jazz records. Now we have Chris Hayes. Let that sink in. Now we have Chris Hayes.”
“What can we do to stop this?” pleaded Chris Bedford.
“The only thing we CAN do. We make fun. We make fun of these fancy lads when they do fancy things. We be like Daily Caller commenter CarlMM, who wonders whether anyone has ever seen Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow in the same room at the same time, because maybe they are the same person. We be like Twitter user John Glanton, who points out that “‘Hayes’ problem is she appeals exclusively to arch-liberal whites, who are a small portion of the overall population.'”
“We make fun of them because they are ridiculous non-men. Now, before we break for Quizno’s, here’s Hall and Oates to play us out.”