Sorry, White Women, You Can’t Break Up With White Men Yet

Patrick Howley Political Reporter
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Hey White Women,

Thank you for agreeing to meet me here at Pinkberry. I know it’s your favorite.

Guess it’s probably time for a little chat, huh? The other white guys and I were talking, and, well… We’ve noticed some of the things you’ve been tweeting and blogging and Instagramming about us. You know, all the stuff about how evil “white men” are, and “down with white men” and “reject white male privilege” and “Why wasn’t Jerry Seinfeld a black woman on the show?” and “I drink your white man tears” and all of that. It’s kind of weird. I mean, technically all of your dads are white. Right? And they paid for your Lexus and your tuition to Brown and your heart-shaped ankle tattoo.

When did this happen? Don’t get me wrong, I always knew some of you were feminists. I could tell by the slight mustaches. Hey, how are you Rhonda? Good to see you. Right, right, smash the patriarchy.

But when did this become about race? When did feminist slogans go from railing against “men” to railing against “white men”? When did you slip the color in there? One minute we’re watching “Garden State” with my lacrosse teammates and the next you’re going all Farrakhan on me?

We had some good times together, didn’t we?

Remember when you saved the George Washington portrait when the British burned the White House during the War of 1812?

Remember “Ozzie and Harriet”?

Here we are dancing to KC and the Sunshine Band. Our nostrils were as white as our privilege.

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Look, I know us white dudes aren’t exactly trending right now. The media being a bunch of dicks to us. I know you think you want to go over and join the progressive coalition and vote for Democrats alongside black people and illegal immigrants. And I guess it’s cool that they’re ignoring your skin color and giving you a free “minority” pass.

But that’s just because they don’t have the numbers to win at the ballot box without white women. They’re NEEDY. That “reproductive rights” shit is just an empty pick-up line (especially since abortion and contraception are already, you know, legal). They’re all sweet on you now, but you think they’re going to keep you around after the election? Honey, you’re a one-vote stand.

Before you roll your baby blue eyes and go back to texting on your iPhone, hear me out. You see, white women, here’s the thing: you can’t leave us. You’re part of this.

If twentysomething white guys at Michigan State have to bear the sins of segregation, if high school bros in Massachusetts are to be held responsible for the political career of George Wallace, then so should you. Where were white women throughout history? For the most part, you were married to us! We have the same history. We have the same pedigree. You don’t get to all of a sudden become black and go join the cool kids’ team just because the Democrats have a numbers problem.

That means you, Katie Couric. That means you, Krystal Ball. That means you, Hillary Clinton. Sorry ladies. Y’all are about as black as Matthew Broderick at a Paul Simon concert.

I have no doubt that white people are going to continue to get our asses handed to us in the years to come as progressives stoke the flames of identity politics to pin every economic and social problem in the world on Caucasian frat brothers. But as far as white men and white women are concerned…we both go down together.



White Men.

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